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Frisco Utopia

[whitespace] Bernal Heights Baby Boom?

By Hank Hyena

There are hordes of healthy loving lesbians in Frisco who are willing and wanting in their wombs to be Mothers! These frantic-for-family lesbians are pleading for pregnancy, begging for baby-breeding, desperate to suckle infants at their Sapphic breasts, and they deserve the chance--indeed, the Frisco women-who-love-women have nobly demonstrated that they are nurturers second to none, with their stupendous pampering of pets and their valiant volunteer work at the local SPCA. Lesbians won't be deadbeat dads; they'll be doting domestic dames! Right now, they're flocking to adopt--Bernal Heights is becoming blissfully overrun by baby boys joyously obtained from Oakland inner-city orphanages by delighted dykes.

Adoptees are awesome, but lesbians want self-gestated babies, too! They want them natural, springing from their loins, birthed bawling out of their bodies just like the hetero girls. Unfortunately, this is difficult for lesbians, because they are not paired with penises--they do not sleep with sperm. To concieve, lesbians often have to part with ludicrous amounts of cash for old and frozen semen specimens in tiny vials. Their savings are annihilated as they squirt, repeatedly, with syringes, the thawed-out precious fluid into each other's eager uteri--they hope and hope for a vanished period, for morning sickness, for a gynecologist to give the giddy news: You Are With Child. This costly inconvenience our lesbians are burdened with is unjust and unfair!

A true Frisco Utopia would guarantee humungous heaps of healthy sperm to any woman who was willing to waddle with a fetal belly and suffer the contracting screams that accompany the proliferation of our species. Frisco Utopia should provide FREE SPERM FOR LESBIANS! Below I propose four plans that would transfer spunk conveniently to any wymyn who want it:

Giving at the Office: Benevolent males who want to contribute wanked wads to lesbians should be able to donate "on the clock" at work, twice a week, for 30 minutes. All corporations should provide "cozy rooms" where men can philanthropically flog themselves, with handy receptacles and a freezer. Opponents of this measure who think employee productivity would suffer should take into account the stress reduction provided by this testes tension-release.

High School Hunks for Human Rights: Teenage boys are Onanistic Champions, pawing themselves profusely up to five times a day. That's a lot of waste. Jocelyn Elders--the former surgeon general who was fired by Clinton for promoting the "safest" sex--can be hired to exhort our youth to donate their diddled seed. Perhaps varsity letters can be given to boys who contribute the most copious quantities, or "A" grades if they publish their statistics in a school journal called The Spurting News.

Glory Holders: Frisco civic funding should support lesbian-owned porn parlors that nab all the polliwogs popping out in excitement. Full refunds after strip shows should be given to anyone who produces his exuberance. Frescoes of Calista Flockhart's mouth or Jennifer Lopez's booty can be fitted with body-temperature tubular bags that are, of course, replaced when full. Gay glory orifices featuring Keanu Reeves or Ben Affleck are also potential receptacles of the catalytic tadpoles.

Homophobic Helpers: Males who commit hate crimes against homosexuals can redeem themselves if they're locked up in a pen like a veal calf--there, their penises will be inserted into rubber milking machines that'll slurp out every tiny drop of their testicular mucus for 36 months, leaving them "drained" but grateful for the chance to pay their debt.

Hate my ideas? Send your own to [email protected]

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From the June 7, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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