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[whitespace] Miss Pinkie Shears

Miss Pinkie Shears

Dear Miss Pinkie Shears,
A magazine told me that the crossing guard is a very chic fashion role model right now. It is also my 20th anniversary of being a crossing guard in elementary school. I loved yelling, "You're reported!" at the bad boys in my class when they crossed without my guidance. It was the only time they couldn't call me a sissy and beat me up. So ... how do I wear a reflective safety-orange shoulder strap at my age?
--The Good Fairy

Dear G.F.,
It is difficult when your glory days come at such an early age. Thank goodness that going downhill really requires no energy or even a sense of commitment. Since you have sunk so low, and inevitably will sink from addled to dangerous, I think that perhaps some kind of public warning device like a safety-orange shoulder strap or vest would be a wonderful idea for you. I wouldn't worry about pulling it off. Do you remember what the brightly colored monarch butterfly is saying to the birds? "If you eat me, you will vomit."

Dear Miss Shears,
A friend has made me the flower girl in her wedding. At 27, I think I'm a bit old for the job, but she's only having two bridesmaids, and she wanted to give me something special to do. I do get to pick out my own dress: I guess I feel like I should dress like a child. Isn't that the right thing to do?
--Flower Woman

Dear Flower Woman,
The first thing to do is to forgo the use of the word friend when referring to the bride in favor of more colorful vocabulary. The second thing is to go out and get yourself the shortest possible fluffy baby-doll-style dress in a color that fits the bride's scheme. Now when I say short I am not suggesting 6 inches or 8 inches above the knee but rather 6 to 8 inches below your navel. You will also need a pair of highly contrasting frilly bottomed underwear--square-dancing outfitters have quite a selection--white-lace-trimmed socks and black or pastel patent-leather Mary Janes. Try to stand pigeon-toed at all times and pull up your dress and shove your hand down your pants occasionally, making sure to rock back and forth. Don't forget little girls can kiss anyone they feel like, including the groom, without the slightest fear of reproach. And precocious is used to describe adorable behavior in children that in adults would be deemed impertinent and wanton. Considering all the possibilities available to a flower girl, I shouldn't wonder if many a bridesmaid vied for the title in the future.

In need of advice? Send all queries and comments to Miss Pinkie Shears at San Francisco Metropolitan, 1776A 18th St, San Francisco, 94107. Miss Shears cannot be reached by phone.

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From the June 21, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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