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House of Cards

[whitespace] Queen of Hearts

By Mark Ewert

Uh-oh! you say you're not getting all the buoyant bedroom boinks your horny heart so richly desires? Well, stop gnashing your teeth, because Uncle Mark's on the case. My qualifications? Not only am I the city's best, yes, best, Tarot card reader, but I am also one of those rare but completely nonfictional multi-orgasmic men, whose every single sexual encounter, and they number in the hundreds (OK, thousands), has been completely mind-blowing for both me and anyone else in the vicinity. I call now upon both my superpowers to help all of you out there suffering from lackluster lust-lives. Shazam!

The Past--The Five of Wands (hyperactivity, frustration)

You goof! Gazing back into your recent past, I can't help but think of the protagonists of all those gay teen coming-of-age movies they're making these days: You've been so damn horny, you were all thumbs. Or looking for love in all the wrong places. It's not pretty, baby, and it's getting worse.

The Present-- The Devil (enslavement, addiction)

OK, sure the Devil has been known since ancient times to have a huge male organ and erotic powers like none other, but he's the Devil, dummy: you're losing your soul with your compulsivity and played-out games. Do you enjoy feeling like a junkie?

The Future-- The Knight of Wands (improvisation, bold new approaches)

If you're straight, go gay, and vice versa. If you're transgendered, trans back. And if you're into leather, for god's sake, get a life. Loosen up, people, let's bring some variety back into the mix, shall we? We may have built this city on rock & roll, but sexual experimentation was in there too, somewhere, I think. Oh well, I tried.


Mark Ewert is a professional card reader and can be reached for readings at 415.252.9321. To submit topical questions, email metropolitan@sanfrancisco.com

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From the July 5, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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