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Tara on Face-Lifts

Yo Tara!
I look in the mirror, and I want to cry. I was once a real beauty queen; now I look more like one of those drag queens. It's time to do something drastic ... I think. I'm considering getting some work done on my face, but I'm scared. Tara, you're a woman of the world, what do you think? Should I get a face lift?
Signed, The Crow's Feet Have Landed

Dear Crow,
I can't tell you how morally opposed I am to face lifts. I think society has truly reached a dangerous point when so many people want to reverse one of the most natural and--guess what?-- INEVITABLE processes of all.

Aging signifies the passage of Time, Crow, and that's what Time does, it passes. I'm going let you in on something here: you know that movie you saw, where Superman flew around planet Earth so fast that finally he got Time to flow backwards? That didn't actually happen, Crow. But I think we should be thankful that time CAN'T be rewound. And many of Whitney Houston's songs will never be hits again.

Crow, I'd like to redirect your desire to alter your face, though I have a sneaking suspicion this will be about as effective as distracting a rabid pit bull with knock-knock jokes. You can't erase the effects of Time, but you CAN slice into things with a scalpel, so why don't you work as a high-school biology teacher, where you can show students how to slice into dead frogs? Sure, there will be a sense of loss as you swap your own face for a formaldehyde-soaked wad of gray amphibious flesh, but you'll get over it. And the Future, when it comes for you, will wear slippers.
Everbest, Tara

Can't get enough of Miss T? Well, check out The Most Spiritual Show EVER! site, where you'll find New Video Adventures EACH week! And YOUR video horoscope!

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From the July 13-26, 1998 issue of the Metropolitan.

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