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Frisco Utopia

[whitespace] Replace Race!

By Hank Hyena

Frisco is fairly free of belligerent bigotry, but it nonetheless needs Utopian reforms in the color-conscious category. Idiotic assumptions and silly stereotypes often overwhelm folks when they're fronted with faces from certain cultures and continents--we want to see smartly past skin surface hues, but it's difficult, burdened as we are with historical and sociological baggage.

My simple scheme for ruining racism forever is this: Obliterate all inherited pigmentation! Let's replace all the old colors and facial characteristics! Let's start over--let's immediately and enthusiastically invent something sublimely superior!

What am I yakking about? Imagine this: exciting new tints and facial features that artistically illuminate the philosophy and essence of the person enclosed! Flesh might work best if it's displayed as a costume, an ornament, a flag/fashion manifesto defining one's attitude toward the world. Below, I have carefully listed three intense body manipulations that would eternally obliterate the relevance of race:

Political Parties: Some Frisco-ites want to advertise their civic opinions with methods more boisterous than bumper stickers. I suggest that these election-addicts utilize plastic surgery to impersonate their party mascot. Republicans can weld on elephant visages; Democrats can get donkey heads. Voters who waffle between these two camps can appear as fusions--Donkphants or Elekeys--with jumbo ears but a braying laugh, or long tusks with a mulish forehead. Smaller party-faces are also obtainable: Freedom-loving Libertarians can screech with a beaky bald eagle head on, while Green Partiers can sport moss-colored skin with redwood-bark hair and squirrels under their armpits.

Hobbies & Occupations: We could signal our vocations and recreational interests by permanently pasting the attendant tech-gear to our faces and physiques. For example: birdwatchers need long binocular eyes, trout-fishers need a hooked line that flies out of their wrists, lawyers need numerous corners of their mouth to lie out of. Singles bars would pick up quicker if, for example, two splashers mad about river-rafting discovered each other because both had orange life-preserver bumps permanently puffed into their backs. Additional possibilities: Hair stylists need shampoo dripping out of their nostrils, bankers need $$ signs flashing in their eyes, and male artists need paint squirting out of their fingertips, with a boar-bristle brush replacing their goatee.

Ice Cream: To proclaim your favorite frosty flavored dessert you could dapple your skin tone, impersonating the inner scoop that you are--how lovely it would be to watch Chocolate Chip people walking hand-in-hand with Pistachios. Taste could also be added to everyone's epidermis, so that licking a strawberry or rocky-road lover would equal the pleasure of actually eating the item. People could decorate themselves in triple scoops if they wished--with their legs resembling either wafer or sugar cones. Sundae fans could have brown drippy faces with huge maraschino-cherry boils perched on the crown of their head .


Hate my ideas? Send your own to hankhyena@mindspring.com

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From the July 19, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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