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Fashion Advice

[whitespace] Miss Pinkie Shears

Miss Pinkie Shears

Dear Pinkie Shears,
I just found out that my friend is getting divorced from her terrible husband. Is there any appropriate gift that I could send? She's devastated, but I'm thrilled.
Sincerely, Counting My Blessings

Dear Count,
Your letter strikes me as rather disingenuous. You seem to be delighted by the very cause of your dear friend's despair. Now perhaps this "terrible husband" to which you refer merits this moniker because of well-documented poor personality and bad behavior, and therefore your joy finds its source in your friend's true liberation. But it seems more likely that this man was a terrible obstacle to fulfilling your crude and lascivious desires for your "friend." You may have fooled her but I'm no one's patsy. As for a gift, homemade chocolate chip cookies are always appropriate and most welcome.

Dear Pinkie,
My friend says cigarettes are out. I hate feeling like that and I can't seem to quit. Do people see my smoking as thoroughly uncool? Will I be shunned when I start taking college classes next year? Should I maybe chew tobacco? My friend says that is in.

Dear Smoky,
If you are going to worry about being shunned, I would consider the merits of lung cancer verses jaw, tongue and facial cancer. Aside from the hugely unattractive habit of spitting brown glop in empty cans and jugs that is the hallmark of chewing tobacco, having a large chunk of your jaw, cheek or tongue amputated really can't compare socially to the relative discreteness of having an internal organ die. So if you can't quit, you had better decide what "in" and "out" mean to you.

My assistant Pruscilla has been accosted several times by people on the street who demand to know why I have no email address to which they can write. The answer is simple. The paper, the style of writing, the signature, say so much about a person--what they are saying and what they are not saying. In my fervent desire to truly help the pathetic souls who write me, I often need to reach beyond the words. Furthermore, scrolling is an annoyance and does not mix well with gin. But Pruscilla has pointed out that I cannot turn away the needy, that the choice of email is very telling in itself and that she can print out a hard copy for me. So if email is the only means by which you can express yourself, I will now be accepting queries and comments at [email protected]

In need of advice? Send all queries and comments to Miss Pinkie Shears at San Francisco Metropolitan, 1776A 18th St, San Francisco, 94107. Miss Shears cannot be reached by phone.

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From the July 19, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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