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Tara's Advice

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Tara-py Session

Dear Tara,
I want to know more about myself, but I just don't have the time or the money to get into therapy. I guess what I'm wondering is, is there some sort of test or self-diagnosis I can do to learn more about who I am and what makes me tick, without expending a lot of energy?
Sincerely, Gimme the Rush Job

Dear Gimme,
It just so happens there is such a test, and I happen to be the only person alive today who has the spiritual authority to administer it (it's been handed down in secret for generations). In its entire form, it's a very long series of visualizations, each of which is designed to evoke responses from your subconscious, in the manner of Rorschach blots. In the interest of space, I've chosen just three of the many questions, but they will still work if you are very honest with yourself as you answer them. The "answers" will appear at the end, but keep in mind that there can be many right answers, or none at all. Ready? Let's begin.

1. Picture yourself walking down a road. It is a gently warm day in May, and the air is fragrant with the fragrance of jasmine and roses. Suddenly, you see in front of you a decapitated head lying in the middle of the road. It is the head of someone you know. You dislike this person so much that you immediately begin savagely kicking the head over and over again as if it were a soccer ball. Your question: Whose head is it?

2. You continue down the road until it starts getting dark. A wee little man dressed entirely in green clothes suddenly pops up from a round stone and greets you warmly. In a deep Irish accent, the little man says he will grant you a wish, any wish, if you can first tell him a funny story. You think of something amusing one of your friends told you, and relate the incident to the little man. "Well done!" he says, still guffawing. "I'll grant ye your wish!" Your question: What do you wish for?

3. Finally, exhausted from your journey you return home. Once you get there, you are surprised to see someone in your bed, someone you know or have thought about, someone so sexually appealing to you that you both immediately begin to do the wild thing for hours. You have a lot of fun. You both love each other tremendously and feel completely fulfilled. Your question: Who is this person?

Isn't it amazing how much you can discover about yourself using these few simple questions? You wouldn't believe whose head I was kicking when I first did this test! It was Brandi, from Moesha. Isn't that weird?
Lots of luck, Tara

1. The person whose head you imagined yourself savagely kicking represents your Enemy.

2. The wish you told the man represents your Secret Desire.

3. The person you imagined yourself having hot sex with represents your Perfect Lover.

Can't get enough of Miss T? Well, check out her "Most Spiritual Show Ever," where you'll find new video adventures each week, and your video horoscope!

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From the July 19, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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