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House of Cards

[whitespace] Self Phone

By Mark Ewert

Telephones are amazing things, aren't they? When mine isn't ringing at 2am with tweaking guys from my gym calling to invite me to come take part in some disheveled three-way (What part of "no" didn't you understand?), it's instead a call from one of you, my beloved readers, asking me such posers as "My dead great-grandfather has been trying to contact me all week; what does she want?"

So this next one goes out to all of you haunted children out there, perplexed by that whispering voice in the breeze. It may or may not be the Dead, it might the Universe itself trying to tell you something, but what? "Speak up!" you cry. Baby, let me be the one to pump up the volume .

The Cards: Death (Change; the departure of the old and outgrown); the Hermit (Ancient Wisdom); and the Two of Cups (Love--starting with self-love).

Here's what great-aunt Minnie is trying to say: "Honey, don't make the mistakes I made. All my life I wanted to be a bear-trainer, but I went to my grave a fry cook. I hankered after women, but I married that damned fart Harold. I wanted to march for civil rights, but instead I looked the other way and taped little cartoons from "Family Circus" on the screen door. Honey, listen to me! Imagine yourself aged 101 and about to expire. What's your legacy going to be?"

Mark Ewert is a professional card reader and can be reached for readings at 415.252.9321. To submit topical questions, email [email protected].

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From the August 16, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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