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[whitespace] Frisco Utopia


By Hank Hyena

We who dwell in urban iron-and-concrete congestion find ourselves frequently pining for forests, mountains and babbling brooks. There's a Tarzan, Jane and Cheetah shrieking inside us that wants to stalk the call of the wild. Wandering into backwoods takes time and money, though--it'd be more convenient to drag Mother Nature here, instead of hunting her down in a fat 4x4. Below, I've listed four sure-fire ideas that'll satisfy the boy-biologists and gamey Girl Scouts in all of us:

Critter Costumes: Frisco is mobbed by humans, plus a few thousand canines and cats. We want to see and sniff other animals on occasion, so let's disguise ourselves and our pets in the hides of seldom-seen species. Imagine lazy felines sewed up inside iguana costumes, and cute kittens zippered into bullfrog suits, or shaved to resemble baby eaglets. Dogs could be outfitted as pygmy elk, or feral children. Human infants could begin life as sea sponges, graduate into wild boars and sloths in their teens, work like oxen for 40 years and retire as either obese hippopotami or emaciated monitor lizards. We should encourage this plan immediately by criminalizing all human appearance.

Auto Insects: VW Beetles sell hysterically well because buyers want to drive inside the invertebrate shells of big bugs. Chrysler could make a sporty Earwig; Toyota could contribute a Cockroach sedan. Other animal shapes might be marketable too--a Buick Bison and a Subaru Stegasaurus would have commercial appeal, plus they'd educate us about wildlife so successfully that we'd no longer need the languishing zoo. Air transport would also soar with this motif--the Lockheed Pterodactyl with reptilian fuselage would be a cold-blooded hit, and the Boeing Fruit Bat could shuttle tourists to the tropics.

Golden Gate Rainforest: Neo-primitive proponents would be powerfully pleased if we exotically spiced up our park with all the dangers of Borneo and backwater Brazil. The five ponds could be stocked with piranha, anaconda, flamingos and blow-darting tribesmen--with tigers, tarantulas and rabid mongoose distributed in the interior. Local Boys Clubs could infest the greens with homicidal summer camps re-enacting Lord of the Flies.

Boulder Buildings: All architecture in Frisco could be modeled on geological curiosities like Half Dome, or Zion and Bryce Canyon national parks. Every home and office structure could be shaped like a cliff, suitable for rock climbing. Perhaps certain neighborhoods could be entirely rebuilt to impersonate famous landscapes--the "Badlands" of Excelsior, for example .

Hate my ideas? Send your own to [email protected]

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From the August 30, 1999, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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