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Axing Taxes

By Hank Hyena

Today's topic is taxation--how can dollars be equitably extracted from the populace, to transform flawed San Francisco into Frisco Utopia? How can the best-of-all-possible-metropolises exist on the tiniest-total-tax-dollars? Below I've eliminated four terrible tithes that burden our citizenry:

Libraries: People are profoundly happy when they're browsing though thick books by the bed--they float off, satiated with text, into fictitious fantasies. To accommodate this cozy literary habit, I suggest that we transform our libraries into huge hives enclosing dozens of intimate chambers dedicated to different topics (maritime disasters, rodent reproduction, etc.). When the library closes at 7pm, traveling tourists and local bibliophiles can check in for the night, to the Dewey Decimal Den of their choice. Every chamber will include "sleeper" couches, fuzzy blankets and a hot-chocolate dispenser. Taxation? Eliminated--revenue made by renting these rooms out will make libraries totally self-sufficient.

Streets: Maintenance of every street in Frisco should be financed by those who possess its periphery. This will encourage cooperation--owners will conscientiously tackle concrete chores because potholes are painful to property value. Boulevards could balloon their worth with wide shade trees, pleasant benches and sparkling flowers. Road repair could be coerced out of indolent teenagers; instead of being "grounded" for their mischief, they could be shackled instead, and marched out to repaint the crosswalks.

Schools: The best buildings to educate tots and adolescents in are soundproofed edifices sectioned off into small rooms, with wide screens for audiovisual learning. Sounds like a Multiplex Cinema, right? My plan is to move schoolchildren into Metreon, Kabuki and AMC 1000 for education from 8:30 to 3:30--we'll lose the noon matinee, but who cares? Twilight shows are usually cheaper. Snack stands can serve as cafeterias with a few additions (boiled broccoli) added. Recess could be hide-and-seek in the garage, boxing in the bathrooms and "rug hockey" in the the lobby.

Public Safety: Firemen should be Jackie Chan daredevil types who enjoy leaping through burning hoops--when they're not squelching blazes, they should perform acrobatics to fund their salaries. Ambulance operators should be racedrivers who compete on weekends, through obstacle courses of baby strollers, stalled MUNIS and cats. Police should be Chippendale strippers who take-it-all-off in their off-duty hours, gyrating to tunes like "I Love a Man in a Uniform." If all our officials were highly paid performers, no tax dollars would be required for their safety services .

Hate my ideas? Send your own to [email protected]

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From the September 13, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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