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Tara on Hand Jobs

Dear Tara!
For the last 20 years, I have been a restorer of old mosaics in Eastern Orthodox churches. Unfortunately, working with those tiny tiles has crippled me. My hands are now hooked like bird claws due to arthritis and carpal-tunnel syndrome. What am I going to do with myself?
Signed, Broken Pieces

Dear Pieces!
Congratulations! You have been picked by fate to demonstrate for my readers the Truth. When the Universe slams one door on your fingers, it opens five more simultaneously. Pieces, your dented digits are your ticket to a Brave New World. In fact, we can only hope and pray that your affliction spreads across the rest of your body, paralyzing you completely. Why? Because what else will fully inspire you to plunge into your new Destiny--becoming a fully Virtual Person? Your motionless form will be the bridge we all take into the 21st century.

Didn't you know, Pieces? Haven't you ever read Wired? The future is going to be completely online, and the idiots who haven't spent millions on the necessary set-up will all cry "boo-hoo" as they freeze and starve to a lonely death. Meanwhile, the rest of us will be buying sweaters, composing music and doing the wild thang--online. If something is fun in real life, it's 200 percent more fun inside your computer. (Why, I wish I were wasting Virtual motherf--ers with a Virtual Uzi right now!)

Computers are cool, and becoming one with them is the next step in human evolution. Now, there are some retarded, reactionary cowards who whine that "techno-fetishism is bad for the environment." Pardon me while I roll my eyes for a minute and make cuckoo, cuckoo faces. What these sheep-in-human-clothing have failed to realize is that the flight of our species into VR will actually be good for the environment. Rainforests, oceans, elephants, etc. will all have a chance to recover in peace while Homo sapiens achieves its true potential: teleconferencing.

En avant!

Can't get enough of Miss T? Well, check out her "Most Spiritual Show Ever," where you'll find new video adventures each week, and your video horoscope!

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From the September 21-October 4, 1998 issue of the Metropolitan.

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