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[whitespace] Frisco Utopia

Child Careless

By Hank Hyena

Frisco isn't famed as a "breeding" city. The reverse is true--sky-high living costs and exorbitant baby-sitters conspire to chase Mommies and Daddies out of town. They flee to the East Bay, the Peninsula--anywhere friendlier to family life. This situation is sad--Frisco Utopia should assist the helpless of our species! Below I suggest four inventions that will enormously elevate Frisco's child care:

Cone Clones: Babies are always beseeching breast milk; they greedily torment Mother's teats 20 times a day. This parasitic suckling annoys women who are weary of udder duty--they'd rather work or play, instead of being stuck, stalled up like a cow. My breast proposal is this: Mom's lactating mammaries should be cloned and installed in a mechanical crib that lowers nipples gently into the tiny thirsty mouth whenever the infant's crying activates a lever. Bonding will still occur because the smell of the substitute breasts duplicates Mom's, but . . . the lady is loose--she's free! Separated from her vampirish spawn, she can earn money, or enjoy a utopian night on the town.

Android Daddy: Many dads are workaholic, divorced, deadbeat or dead. To provide a replacement paternal presence, male robots might be the answer. Perhaps a dummy seated in a chair incessantly staring at a Sports Channel is all that's required. Other father-figures worth constructing are "Mowing Models" who edge and hedge the lawn, "Drinking 'Droids" who pour sixpacks into their steel jaws before passing out, and "Lover Blowups" who snore in bed all day, except for 60 seconds of grunting with Mom. These "faux" fathers can be replaced, of course, by any real human man who acts more animated than the models.

Goat Nurses: Goat milk resembles human lactose, so let's train these plum-teated docile Nubian and Saanen does as wetnurses and live-in babysitters. Parents who fret that their tot might bond with a hairy Cashmere instead of a sleek human could shave the goat's body and give its face plastic surgery, so that its appearance would resemble their own.

Aquarium Diaper Services: The chore of wiping babies for four years could be eliminated if we just gave them gills at birth, and kept them in aquariums with filtering systems. When the child is old enough to promise that s/he'll always use a toilet properly, s/he could be removed from the tank.

Hate my ideas? Send your own to [email protected]

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From the September 27, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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