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Tara's Advice

Mortal Mirth

Dear Tara,
I love your column, but I need desperate help. I'm incredibly fabulous, but it seems to constantly go unrecognized--at work, at home, in relationships. What can I do to let my inner light shine out?
Sincerely, Betty

Dear Betty,
You already have my vote for Metropolitan's "Ones to Watch-Y2K." By liking my column so much, you PROVE that you are a woman of beauty, taste and discernment. So clearly the problem with your unhappening social/romantic life does not lie with you. I asked myself if maybe it was MY fault, but, no, that didn't sound right either. We should probably blame SOMEBODY, so why not the hordes of mediocrity-worshipping yuppies who've invaded our fair city and can't appreciate your bodacious being? Oops, my editor just reminded me that these same mindless capitalist tools form the bulk of our readership. Sorry, capitalist tools. My bad.

Nope, Betty, this is going to have to be an inside job. Faithful fan of mine that you are, you probably remember me talking a couple of weeks back about my new book Ignoring the Fire Within. In brief, my book's premise is that some people are just TOO fabulous for their own good. In Ancient Greece if someone like Zeus, say, were to show himself in his full glory to an ordinary mortal, he or she would be blasted to ashes. I know you're probably having trouble following my lush, evocative imagery at this point, Betts, so let me try to simplify. You=Zeus. Boring yuppies=piles of ashes. Moderation in all things, baby. You got to cool your jets a little bit.

You need to dumb down, honey, for like ... like ...camouflage. In public places, conspicuously carry around posters of the Brian Setzer Orchestra. Pepper your speech with peppy catch phrases like "Talk to the hand." Buy something a little racy from Ann Taylor ...online. And always remember your magic mantra: cos-mo-po-li-tan. It's a drink, it's a magazine, it's your life.

Look, Gandhi did an ad for Apple, and Allen Ginsberg for the Gap. The whole "I'm so special I can't be understood" shtick is played out. Tune out, turn off and drop in. In to the in-crowd.
Reality bites, Tara

Can't get enough of Miss T? Well, check out her "Most Spiritual Show Ever," where you'll find new video adventures each week, and your video horoscope!

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From the September 27, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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