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Fashion Advice

[whitespace] Miss Pinkie Shears

Miss Pinkie Shears

Fashion magazines make me so depressed--all those beautiful models and glamorous people photographed living opulent, rich, fulfilling lives. Any advice on how to combat these feelings of inadequacy?
--Down and Dowdy

Dear D.D.,
The solution to your problem is to be found in your question. These people, models or not, are photographed. Designer clothes, professional makeup and hair stylists, world-renowned photographers, exceptionally flattering lighting and photo retouching aside, anyone in the business will tell you it's all about 1 in 36. That is: only about 1 in 36 of the photographs taken in a professional photo shoot are usable. Now, I have a little game for you. Go to your photo albums and find 36 pictures of yourself. When you find one that doesn't make you wince, imagine a Galliano gown with Avedon behind the lens. Add a warm Mediterranean sun and a little something for your time and you'd probably amaze yourself at how fulfilling your life truly seemed for less than one second.

Dear Pinkie,
How much longer will this ridiculous cargo-pocket trend last? What the hell do people put in their cargo pockets anyway? I saw a girl wearing capri pants with cargo pockets the other day. What do you think about that? Do you have any suggestions on how to display my disgust toward cargo pockets?
--Steve M.

Dear Steve,
First may I suggest picking up a copy of Mildred Offenbach's Love in the Age of Cargo Pockets? It is a fascinating book about how the god called Oldnavy, with the help of his prophets named Fairchild and Owleyes (believe me, it's not the first time she's prostituted herself in her career), shared the Mysteries called Cargo Pockets and inculcated the weak into the worship of Them. Apparently, the Cargo Pocket is a sacred space and is therefore not suitable for carrying anything, or maybe it was that nothing was suitable to put in the Cargo Pocket. (Also they become radically unflattering when filled.) Unfortunately, the Message of the Cargo Pocket is being spread far and wide--even to the garb of other cults. Do your best to contain your disgust. We all know where creating martyrs can lead. I think the best we can hope for is a simple mass suicide. And soon.

In need of advice? Send all queries and comments to Miss Pinkie Shears at San Francisco Metropolitan, 1776A 18th St, San Francisco, CA 94107. Miss Shears cannot be reached by phone.

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From the October 5-18, 1998 issue of the Metropolitan.

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