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[whitespace] Tara

Tara's Advice

Online but Off Kilter

Dear Tara,
Unlike a lot of the sad sacks who write you, I have no trouble making friends--in the real world, that is. But online, all the people in the chat rooms call me a "playa," a "ho" and a "scrub." Just because I steal their virtual boy/girlfriends away from them, make mean "novelty" websites about them and threaten their bank accounts. Hello? Has everyone forgotten that the Internet was originally intended to be about freedom of speech and independence? Who let all the squares in?
What's up, Anarchyforever.com

Dear dotcom,
CLEARLY the problems don't lie with you--they stem from the shortcomings of these ridiculous other people around you. I don't know if I've used this quote in this column before, but hey, it's so good it bears repeating: "If you hang out with losers, your real friends can't find you." (That's my own loose translation from the I Ching.)

Am I saying you should leave the virtual world for real life? Hell no. The more people like you are quarantined in cyberspace, the easier all the rest of us will breathe. In fact, I sincerely think you should upgrade all your digital doohickeys so you need never leave the house again. You can order pizza online now, you know--they deliver.

No, Dot, what I'm humbly suggesting is that you spend your time in chat rooms more amenable to your sophisticated ideological leanings. There are many people out there just like you, who believe the Internet, and everything else, should be kept free from namby-pamby interference by so-called do-gooders. Many of these people live in survivalist bunkers with gun racks and piles of canned corn waiting for Y2K, but that's OK, they're still on the Net, for the time being at least. There are some excellent libertarian websites I could recommend, including one I visited the other day with some really bitchen "soft focus" shots of Ayn Rand--who knew?

Dot, just like the Baader-Meinhof gang and the Symbionese Liberation Army, you are in the forefront of ultra-leftist fascism. Keep your chin up, and know that a new day is dawning.

And if you ever write me again, I'll track you down and unabomb your ass back to the Stone Age. Hope that helps.
Sincerely, Tara

Can't get enough of Miss T? Well, check out her "Most Spiritual Show Ever," where you'll find new video adventures each week, and your video horoscope!

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From the October 11, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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