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[whitespace] Turning Back Time

House of Cards bids farewell with a reading on Cher

By Mark Ewert

The nice thing about being psychic is never being caught by surprise. For instance, when my editor and I first came up with the idea for this column, I KNEW that it would be gracelessly shot down within a few short months, and yet I didn't want to say anything, because I didn't want to spoil anyone else's nonpsychic experience of linear time. I mean, just because I know the precise manner and date of each of my co-workers' deaths doesn't give me the right to TELL them such data. I mean that just wouldn't be fair, would it, telling them about something in some cases EXTREMELY HORRIBLE that they can do nothing about, something that may be happening to them sooner than they know? No, no, we all have our own little lessons to learn in this little schoolhouse we call Planet Earth, and not for all the money in the world would I try to interfere with someone else's karma, grisly and nightmarish and agonizingly painful though it might be. No, I bear no ill will to those who wish to kill this column, because on a clear day, I can see forever, and "Vengeance is mine," sayeth the Lord; amen.

Anyway, now that that's over with, let me spread my cards one last time in this public forum, and see what's going on with--you guessed it--CHER. What are her secret hopes, her secret dreams? With me at your side, I give you Cher, nu et vrai, naked and real. Cher, ladies and gentlemen.

Cher's past

The Devil (being enslaved to negative forces)

Two words, kids: Sonny Bono.

Cher's present

The Ace of Pentacles (new opportunities, especially related to money and career)

Andrew Lloyd Webber pays Cher an exorbitant sum to turn her single "Believe" into a full three-hour musical, a la his other numbingly brain-deficient Broadway hits such as Cats (a.k.a. "Cats, the Unkillable").

Cher's future

Justice (justice)

Cher's musical career continues to soar for decades, because she really is a talented singer, but her face does a public Dorian Gray time-lapse kind of thing, because let's face it, she has had just a wee bit of plastic surgery, and it's not nice to fool Mother Nature. Cher becomes a wiser, if uglier, woman. Andrew Lloyd Webber is struck by lightning not once but 400 separate times, and ravenous CHUDS (Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers) emerge from their sewer tunnels and eat the men and women of Cats alive .

Mark Ewert is a professional card reader and can be reached for readings at 415.252.9321.

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From the October 11, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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