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Tara's Advice

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Tara Talks Salvation

Dear Tara,
Gosh, I really have a problem! I can't stop giving away money to good causes. I just get so sad when I think of all the folks in need out there that the tears start to roll and the checkbook bounces open. The problem is, I myself am barely making minimum wage, so I'm really digging myself into a financial hole. Is there any hope for me?
Signed, Salvation Arnie

Dear Salvation,
Did you know that humans only use 5 percent of their brain? Or that Eskimos have more than 20 words for snow? Or that according to aerodynamics, it is impossible for bumblebees to fly?

I don't know about you, but I hate it when people tell me stupid things like this, especially when they act all cocky, like they just scored some major intellectual point. These are people who watch too many talk shows. They are dangerous and should be locked up. Actually, if I were the leader of a successful revolutionary party, I'd probably try to have these people shot. This may be a bit extreme, but really, human society needs to move forward, and these people are holding us back. I'm sorry, I had to get that off my chest.

As for your question: Salvation, you need to realize that your philanthropy has now made you one of "the wretched of the earth," to use Franz Fanon's evocative phrase. While I would never tell someone to curtail their compassion, I would tell them to modify it a bit, and that's what I'm telling you. Continue to sign those charitable checks but include "Salvation Arnie" as one of the groups deserving donations. It'll be like the Peace Corps crossed with autofellatio. Giving never felt so good.
Sincerely, Tara Everlasting

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From the October 19-November 1, 1998 issue of the Metropolitan.

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