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Tara's Advice

Dream Lover

Dear Tara,
Do you think I'm weird? No really, be honest with me. My problem, you see, is that I sleep ... a lot. It seems like anytime anything remotely stressful happens to me--zzzz--I'm out like a light. At first it was just big things that made me tired, like, for instance, a job change or looking for an apartment, but now it's gotten to the point that if I chip a nail or lose a pencil, I go night-night. What should I do?
Thanks in advance, Rip Van Winkle

Dear Rip,
I don't think you're weird at all. I myself have spent some of the best years of my life in Slumberland. Holidays, family reunions, graduations--I've slept through them all. Nowadays, I only take jobs like this one, where I get to telecommute, i.e. snore around the clock. Sure, the number of activities I engage in has dwindled almost to nothing, but when I DO actually get up, and observe whatever little portion of the universe surrounds me, I think to myself, "Hey, I'm a smart girl, I can figure out the rest." So I really don't feel like I'm missing out on much.

Now, it's quite possible that you're not as smart as me, so you might require a little remedial aid to stay in touch with the outside world, if that's a concern of yours. It's been proven time and time again that people can emerge from even decades-long comas and still remember things that were said or done in their unconscious presence, for instance a doctor casually remarking, "God, why doesn't her family just unplug her?"

Before you go into hibernation, make arrangements with family and friends to drop in on you from time to time to fill you in. See if your boyfriend would be up for going on a "date" with you; for example, uncorking a bottle of champagne, making suggestive comments and then trying (but failing) to get fresh with you. This may not do much for him, but it'll do wonders for you, letting the deepest parts of your subconscious know that you're still desirable to men, and that you still have the upper hand.

If you can't get real people to help you, there's always CNN, Nick at Nite and the Home Shopping Channel--a veritable smorgasbord of options to fulfill all the different informational needs of your multifaceted personality. And books-on-tape technology has advanced dramatically. Go to sleep for a year and wake up knowing the complete works of John Grisham by heart--who says you're a drain on the economy?
Rest in peace, Tara

Can't get enough of Miss T? Well, check out her "Most Spiritual Show Ever," where you'll find new video adventures each week, and your video horoscope!

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From the November 8, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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