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[whitespace] Holy Sh*t!

Holy gifts for the truly devout

By Harmon Leon

Ah yes, the holidays are once again upon us. Like a medieval plague, there's no avoiding the seasonal revelry. So why not get into the gift-giving spirit with truly unique gifts which reflect your religious passion!

Mr. Jesus Head
Insert your own thorns, long hair and beard and make your very own wacky Jesus! From the people who brought you Lollipopes.

'Bible Bloopers'
Read the wackiest bloopers, blips, blunders and general screw-ups from the original draft of the Bible. Find out what happens when Lot's wife gets turned into a cheese Danish. See the embarrassment when Jesus turns water into a puppy!

'Snappy Answers to Stupid Jehovah's Witness Questions'
A sure-fire guidebook on how to get rid of those pesky Jehovah's Witnesses quickly! Example:

Q. May I tell you about the Lord?

A. Only if I can tell you about what's in my pants!

Q. Have you read the book of Jehovah?

A. No, but can I still tell you about what's in my pants!

Dead Sea Monkeys
Just add water and salt and these playful little rascals are ready to pray! Aquarium not included. From the people who brought you Noah's ark-freshener.

Catholic Church 'Gag' Condoms
The joke's on them--these condoms are filled with holes! A hilarious holiday gift sanctioned by the Pope himself!

'The Smothers Brothers Re-enact the Crucifixion'
Everyone's all-time favorite comedy team/brothers recreate Our Lord's last moments on the cross on this two-CD set.

Here's a hilarious excerpt:

"Jesus, Mom always liked you best!"

Cain and Abel Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots!
Watch as these two Bible brothers try to knock each other's blocks off! From the people who brought you Bible Twister ("Right hand Leviticus, left hand Lepers!")

Circumcision Pop-up Book
Watch your little guy's eyes pop when this wonderful ceremony pops up in front of him!

Jesus Action Figure
Kicks ass on G.I. Joe! Complete with kung-fu stigmata grip and a crucifix which transforms into a high-powered bazooka. Don't mess with the Savior!

Buy Buy Buy: Tons of stuff to blow your holiday bonus on.

The Bold and the Beautiful: The luxury you give comes back to you three times....

Maturation Anxiety: From the thoughtful to the thought-provoking, an eclectic list for those who aren't quite sure if they're ready to make the leap into adulthood.

Multinational New Ideas: Ten big global gift ideas.

Cheap Trips: Gifts for the man (or woman) who has nothing.

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From the December 6, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

Copyright © Metro Publishing Inc. Maintained by Boulevards New Media.

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