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Tara's Advice

Crisis in Mongolia

Dear Tara,
Recently I let my boyfriend used my home computer to surf the Web. He claimed he wanted to check out some sport sites. Right after he used my computer, I started receiving email from some woman named Naka who claims I bought her through a Mongolian bride-by-email service, and that I haven't paid the $500 fee yet so she can come to this country. She even knows my boyfriend's name and favorite food!

I haven't said anything to my boyfriend, but I want to kill him! What should I do?
Signed, Trina

Dear Trina,
New Age people are always telling me that in Chinese, the characters for "crisis" are the same as those for "opportunity." This precedes my rapidly restricting their flow of oxygen by the application of my hands around their throats. But, hey, Mongolia is near China, so maybe you've got a Mongolian crisis/opportunity here. You and you alone are in the unique position to reverse over 500 years of Euro-American global economic exploitation.

In Eduardo Galleano's horrific book Las Veinas Abiertas de Latinoamerica, the great writer chronicles the gutting and pillaging of the New World for the benefit of Europe; the flow of two continents' riches into England, Portugal, Spain ... and now the United States. For "Latin America," you could substitute just about any other geographical name and the picture would still be the same: lucre flowing from them to us. I say, drug your boyfriend and stuff his body cavities with U.S. dollars and consumer goods and ship him to Mongolia. One piñata-like boyfriend at a time, you and Naka could resurrect the glory of the Old Silk Road. I bet there are a LOT of forward-thinking people in this city alone who would love to cram--oh, I don't know--Willie Brown full of Nike shoes and Starbucks French roast, and deliver him, with love, to the Asiatic steppes. And what about Sting? He always wants to help. Gift-wrap him in Gap vests and mail his ass east, just in time for the holidays.

In the words of Banarama, and all the rest of those great '80s activists: "Fee-ee-d the wor-rrr-ld. Let them know it's Christmastime."
Joyeux Noel, Tara

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From the December 6, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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