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Fashion Advice

[whitespace] Miss Pinkie Shears

Miss Pinkie Shears

Dear Pinkie,
I have some fabulous avocado stretch velvet shorts that I can't live without. Last weekend I wore them out on my boyfriend's sports yacht for his annual fishing weekend (he likes me to look hot when his friends are around) and his new chum gun backfired all over me. Can the shorts be saved or should they be thrown to the sharks?
--Anchors Aweigh, Krissy

Dear Krissy,
Why is everyone so interested in how I think clothes should be cleaned? I would suggest reading the care label. I would also probably wash them separately. Should you manage to get the blood out but the shorts still reek of fish, I guess what you do with them is up to your boyfriend. Perhaps he will find his friends sniffing you to be arousing? Thank goodness you were topless! In the future, basic cleaning questions should be directed to Heloise. I could also suggest that you acquire an entirely new life--thus avoiding any repeat performances of your boyfriend's, or anyone else's, "chum gun."

Dear Miss Shears,
How do we know the colors of Christmas are red and green and the colors of Chanukah are blue and silver? 'Cause as far as I can figure out there are no color pictures in the Bible, Old or New Testament.

Dear Bobby,
Why would one ever look to the Bible for aesthetic advice? Now if Hollywood's cinematic monstrosities are any indication, the noble Israelites and Apostles were hideous dressers--unflattering boxy sleeveless robes with no lines or drape to speak of--while the murderous Egyptians and Romans had fabulous style. The head piece that Pharaoh wears at the parting of the Red Sea is absolutely stunning. And how could one slight the dashing Centurion uniform? As for your color question: this is tradition--which is really just a trend that seems like it will never ever go away.

Dear Pinkie Shears,
Can you tell me what I should wear on New Year's Eve? I have a red velvet one and a shiny black one. Any help on shoes would be great, too. I am looking to get a new boyfriend but don't want to appear too forward.
--Thank you for all your help, Lisa

Dear Lisa,
No. Stay home. You're welcome.

In need of advice? Send all queries and comments to Miss Pinkie Shears at San Francisco Metropolitan, 1776A 18th St, San Francisco, 94107. Miss Shears cannot be reached by phone.

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From the December 21, 1998 issue of the Metropolitan.

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