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Tara's Advice

[whitespace] Tara


Dear Tara,
I have exceptionally large and rambunctious breasts. They can't be restrained in any way! They stretch out even the biggest bras, they jiggle, they squeak, they don't know their place! And it's just getting worse. With each passing month they become more aggressive. They'd smother me right now if they knew I was writing you, but luckily they can't read. What do I do, Tara? Is it right to be scared of one's own mammaries?
Signed, I Call the Left One "Cujo"


You have what animal behaviorists call "feral breasts." A feral animal is one that is meant to live in the wild, but is forced by circumstance to live in a domestic environment for which it is unfit, and breasts are no exception. Deprived of the wide-open spaces and natural ways for which it is designed, the feral animal/breast acts out its frustration in destructive ways.

If it weren't for modern science--specifically, the field of primate studies--your story would have a tragic end. You see, all those people who studied monkeys for so long have finally realized that humans are primates, too, including our breasts! Adapting the techniques they developed for use with chimps, scientists will teach you how to communicate with your berserk bazoombas using sign language. The trust of your bond will gradually increase. YOU will be the one teaching your jurassic jugs the skills they'll need to once again live in the wild: gathering fruit, finding shelter and avoiding enemies. And on that fateful day, when your double Ds are at last turned loose, you'll cry tears of joy. Oh look! They've found others of their own kind! Born free! Born free!

Can't get enough of Miss T? Well, check out her "Most Spiritual Show Ever," where you'll find new video adventures each week, and your video horoscope!

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From the December 21, 1998 issue of the Metropolitan.

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