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Important events as reported by daily newspapers and summarized by Daedalus Howell.

Monday 01.15.01

Six teen-age inmates tried to escape from Sonoma County's Los Guilicos (Spanish for "The Gulag") Juvenile Hall during what authorities are describing as a riot (any excuse to wear those spiffy helmets), reports the PD. The kids made it as far as the tall razor wire-topped perimeter fence before being ordered to the ground and handcuffed. "I'm just shocked," said Sonoma County Juvenile Justice Commission member Kathleen Harms (whose name is a sentence in itself). Not as shocked as the inmates who were converged upon by 20 patrol cars, K-9 units, and taser stun guns.

Tuesday 01.16.01

San Anselmo magician Patrick Martin will perform for president-elect W at an inaugural dinner Thursday in Washington D.C., reports the Marin Independent Journal. The magic man, who prefers the term "wizard," does sleight-of-hand moves and makes flames shoot out of coin purses--no word, however, if Martin will make Bush disappear in retaliation for stealing his "sawing the country in half" trick. "If the country is so evenly divided that they feel like [the election result] was almost a gamble, the best thing we can do as a country is come together," said the sage Martin. His other platitudes include "magic crosses all boundaries," "everyone needs enchantment," and "magic is the international language of entertainment." Funny, we thought that was David Hasselhoff.

Tuesday 01.16.01

Due to recent cutbacks in Earth exploration, the space aliens have canceled crop circle and cow mutilation programs in favor of "crayon graffiti." Some of the new esoteric markings were apparently discovered on a bench in the Sonoma Plaza rose garden. The Sonoma Index Tribune reports that "the designs, [were] scrawled in red, orange, yellow, blue, purple, and white," and "included a sun, a snail, and an unknown symbol." UFOlogists claim that the symbol indicates the exact time that the aliens plan to destroy the Earth and was placed as a courtesy for those who may have plans.

Tuesday 01.16.01

As Northern California's real estate crunch continues, illegal campers along the Russian River are also beginning to feel the squeeze, reports the Press Democrat. Bob Abbott, a manager at Parnum Paving, which owns various riverfront properties, said the company has hired security guards to patrol some of its land to keep away the homeless. "We are all stewards of the river," said Abbott. But not every steward knows how to turn a buck out of it--critics of the security efforts believe the river watchers are trying to crack the lucrative market campers have cornered by subletting their campsites to dot-coms and engaging in time-shares. One camper recently leased his refrigerator box to a start-up and moved into a nearby bush. Several other homeless have wheeled in shopping carts as temporary offices for a variety of business until additional refrigerator boxes can be located.

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From the January 18-24, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

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