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TO: G.W. Bush
FROM: K. Rove
DATE: Sept. 7, 2005
RE: I Quit!

Listen up, bub: There ain't enough shovels in Texas to clean up the mess after you trot by, and not even I can explain away New Orleans.

The coup was one thing--your daddy still had those CIA videos of Thomas, Scalia and Rehnquist in the YMCA. Voting rights for blacks, Jews, the elderly? America slept.

Sept. 11? X-tian America hates A-rabs even more then it hates blacks, Jews and the elderly. KABOOM = How do you spell Halliburton? Enron? A few bad apples. WorldCom? Crucify a guy named Bernie, for chrissake!

Tax cuts? Send out a "refund" and the dorks will follow you anywhere. Deficits? The price of freedom and democracy for the dorks' kids. Torture? Just a bunch of darkies and the gal next door. Sex, death, fear and greed--man, we had them hypnotized for life.

And then you stopped listening.

You blew Iraq. I told you: Go in--BOOM!--blame the nukes on Israel, take out Tel Aviv ("regretfully"), declare victory in the Middle East and pull out.

Kifiyah-wearing mutants will crawl across the radioactive sand to sell mineral rights for a bottle of Perrier. But no, you get off on the smell of burning baby flesh. Sicko, like your hinky dad.

Social Security? I told you that was a nonstarter. But I did my job. Promised the herd they'd all be millionaires just like actual people. I'm not exactly sure what went wrong there. The whiff after the Ohio exit polls. Or the global warming thing. Maybe the snakey stare.

But the best you can do when a grieving mother camps on your doorstep is sneak past her in a black limo? You couldn't even have her over for a Quaalude?

You ain't got the sense God gave a wart hog, boy. I told you to use some of the terror dough to fix those levees in New Orleans. After the storm, I told you to send in the Cavalry. But no. You said, "It's just a bunch of freedom-hating liberals in the Superdome. No one will care."

Never believe your own PR, Georgie. Hey, here's a tip: When they start shooting the real looters, you'd better duck. I just turned state's evidence.

Turd Blossom

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From the September 7-13, 2005 issue of the North Bay Bohemian.

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