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Paul Krassner's psychic predictions for the tawdry 2000s

STARTING NEXT MONTH, next year, next decade, next century, next millennium, next delusion, there will develop many startling new trends.

Wearing clumps of elephant dung on women's breasts will become a fashion statement. Advertising messages will be imprinted on condoms. Starbucks will begin selling coffee enemas, and customers will eagerly anticipate their Anal Latte each morning.

During the presidential race, George W. Bush will replace Dan Quayle as the generic icon of dumbness for comedians fond of resorting to easy-reference jokes. Reporters covering the campaign trail will have a clandestine competition to see who will be the first one to make John McCain lose his temper. At a Republican rally, a fistfight will break out over whether candidate Gary Bauer is actually an alien from outer space or a ventriloquist's dummy.

Democratic front-runner Al Gore will be exposed by the Washington Post for carrying on a torrid affair with his personality adviser, Naomi Wolf, but instead of hurting Gore, it will bring him the much-coveted adulterers' vote. However, his popularity ratings will decline when he takes credit for inventing gravity. As for Bill Bradley, focus groups will agree that he has integrity and compassion, but that his image definitely needs improving. He will proceed to get a neck job and a charisma bypass.

Reform Party candidate Pat Buchanan will be revealed as having been a participant in the early testing of Viagra, and, although he failed to obtain an erection, his right arm stiffened and went straight up. Because Donald Trump is germophobic and doesn't like to shake hands with strangers, he will conduct his entire presidential campaign wearing latex gloves. And, of course, Jesse Ventura will continue wrestling with his conscience.

The Clinton administration will revise its policy on gays in the military by changing its slogan to "Don't ask, don't tell, don't commit a hate crime." When Gov. Gray Davis develops chronic nausea, he will change his mind about medical marijuana and support Proposition 215, explaining: "State's rights--it's not just for racists anymore."

Newt Gingrich will have sex with a court reporter in the judge's chambers during his divorce trial, while his wife and his congressional-aide girlfriend are busy comparing notes on his kinky bedside manners.

On the economic front, the prison-industrial complex will go public, and stocks will rise so high and so quickly that the market will finally crash and there will be a deep depression, except for inmates, who will celebrate in their cells. Campaign finance reform will finally be realized when a law is passed requiring all political contributions to remain anonymous. A universal health-care system will be put into practice. Use of the electric car will become widespread. Racism, sexism and ageism will end. The rainforests will be saved. Torture will become an obsolete practice. ... Not, not, not, not, not, not and not.

Internationally, America will have free trade with China, but as a compromise measure, slave laborers will not be allowed to listen to pirated CDs. The Berlin Wall will be reconstructed along the Mexican border. Fidel Castro, who has held power in Cuba for 40 years, will lead a crusade for term limits. At midnight on Dec. 31, 1999, the United States and Russia will launch nuclear missiles at each other, but, simultaneously, computer problems will result in total failure.

In Hollywood, there will be a new rating for movies--PS, for Predictable Screenplay. Andy Kaufman will write a review of Man on the Moon for the Los Angeles Times, complaining that the film makes him look crazy and was obviously produced only as an attempt to smoke him out of his secret hiding place. Pamela Anderson will have her removed-implants bronzed and use them as bookends. And Janeane Garofalo will actually turn down a script.

In the music world, although the body of Jennifer Lopez is insured for a billion dollars, her singing voice will falter, and attorneys for the insurance company will insist that her voice is not tangible and cannot be considered as part of her body. Ricky Martin will convert to Judaism, and he will be circumcised on pay-per-view TV. Madonna will become a nun, but she will be kicked out of the convent for seducing a priest. And Michael Jackson will melt in the sun.

As for television, the Fox network will receive permission for Charles Manson to host a talk show directly from his prison cell. Tom Green will get beaten up by muggers who aren't even aware that he's a professional asshole. The makers of crush video will get around the law by killing mice on camera with poison and mousetraps instead of spike heels. Larry Flynt will challenge Hugh Hefner to an old-fashioned fight to the finish on HBO, to be refereed by Judge Judy.

In the realm of print journalism, the San Francisco Examiner will be purchased by the Chronicle, and editor Phil Bronstein will be given bit parts in his wife Sharon Stone's films. As new information comes out, the San Jose Mercury News will apologize for apologizing about its series on the CIA and cocaine. And the National Enquirer will publish front-page photos of the legally separated Howard Stern and the geographically separated Bill Clinton sneaking out on double dates.

The new edition of the Oxford University Press Dictionary of Euphemisms will include "lewinsky" as a euphemism for blow job and "genetic material" as a euphemism for semen. Kenneth Starr will investigate the JonBenet Ramsey case and issue a report that will get him arrested for child pornography. Oliver Stone will make a movie about the trial, with the part of Starr being played by Kevin Spacey.

Technology will continue to frighten people. Inspired by Milo Minderbinder, an entrepreneurial hustler in the late Joseph Heller's novel, Catch-22, the Monsanto company will market genetically engineered chocolate-covered cotton. The first successful cloning of a human being will take place, but the clone will be unhappy because he can't live a normal life, and he will sue the scientific team that brought him into being.

A young-lesbian chat-line on the Internet will turn out to consist entirely of middle-aged men. AT&T will provide realistic toy cell phones to mentally ill homeless people who talk to themselves, so that passersby will think they're having business discussions. And Intel will announce a new line of condoms with microchips so intricate that they have the ability to tell whether an orgasm is being faked.

Medical technology, always ahead of medical ethics, will enable a poverty-stricken, unwed teenage girl, who is pregnant but lives in a state that does not permit abortion, to undergo a fetal transplant of her fetus from her womb to the womb of a wealthy, married, 40-something woman who has never had an abortion and is so pro-choice that she will then fly to a state which does permit abortion and have the surgery done there, without a single law having been broken.

Religion will continue to evoke controversy. The 10 Commandments will be posted in every room of a Washington, D.C., house of prostitution that is frequented by senators and congressmen. In a moment of weakness, Pope John Paul will blurt out to a shocked crowd in Vatican Square, "After all, I'm not infallible, you know." Evangelist/sinner Oral Roberts will impregnate his housekeeper, and she will have the child, who will be named Anal Roberts.

A horde of angry apes will ransack the Board of Education in Kansas for not allowing evolution to be taught. The Second Coming will be covered live by CNN, and Jesus will then get his own weekly program on NBC, to be titled Savior Time.

The fat from liposuction will be used in avant garde sculpture. An antidote for anthrax will be developed just in time for a terrorist attack. Dr. Jack Kevorkian will attempt to commit suicide by hanging himself in his cell, but prison guards will save his life at the last moment. O. J. Simpson will help Hillary Clinton hunt for the real killers of Vince Foster.

New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani will appear on Nightline, explaining to Ted Koppel, "You have to understand, Ted, that from a policeman's point of view, a police state is a good thing."

Corporations will require potential employees to take a urine test during their initial interview. John Kelly, director of the National Weather Service, will be charged with sexual harassment when he names a tornado Pussy. There will be a global competition for the best rationalization by a cult when the world doesn't end on the day they prophesized it would. And, finally, records will be broken with the sale of tubes of Y2KY Jelly, to ease your transition into the 21st century.

Paul Krassner's latest books are Impolite Interviews (Seven Stories Press) and Pot Stories for the Soul (High Times Books). His new comedy CD is Sex, Drugs and the Antichrist (Artemis Records).

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From the December 29, 1999 - January 5, 2000 issue of Metro Santa Cruz.

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