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Line Drive

Want to meet people? Start up a conversation with a hottie? Get punched in the face? Have we got a pickup line for you!

By Rebecca Patt

THE ART of the pickup line is in sorry shape, assuming you can stomach calling it an art in the first place. One local bartender put it best when he summed it up thusly: "Nobody has any game anymore."

These days, it seems, the most common pickup method now is for the impending hookupees to simply stare at each other for a few minutes and then go off and start sucking face. It's like freakin' Animal Planet out there.

In fact, after extensive research night after night at bars all over town, I observed only one attempt at wielding a pickup line--and a failed one at that--when a drunken woman approached my friend at the Fog Bank with the line, "When I look into your eyes they're as blue as the ocean, and you're somebody I want to know because they're as deep as the ocean."

My volunteer research assistant even helped out by going to numerous local bars and announcing to women in a mack-daddy voice, "Hey, do you work for UPS? Because I thought I saw you staring at my package." But to no avail.

But Does It Work?

Pickup-line success stories are out there, though. I heard of one guy who met his wife when he introduced himself with the line, "Hey, do you want to go have pizza and fuck? What? You don't like pizza?" Another friend tells of how he and his buddies used to break the ice with women by using the fictional "Jill" tactic. When they saw a woman they found attractive, they would rush up to her and start gushing, "Jill!? Oh my God, you look just like Jill! I just love Jill!"

Apparently, the secret is in the delivery. The line has to be delivered so smoothly and with such charm that people won't know or won't care that it's a line, especially when you're saying something as brazen and stupid as "Would you like to be my love buffet so I can lay you on a table and take what I want?"

So if the staring technique isn't working for you, you might want to try some of the lines listed below. They range from lines for the shy beginner to the hardcore man-eater/womanizer to the Renaissance babe, and most of them are totally ridiculous. Success is not guaranteed--hell, it's not even remotely likely--but who knows, maybe you'll get laid, or even meet the love of your life. There's also a section of retorts so you'll know how to give a clear signal you're not interested when some toad tries to hit on you.

For the Beginner:

  • Hi, what's your name?
  • Can I buy you a drink?
  • Excuse me, is this seat taken?

    Lines That Make You Go 'Huh?'

  • You, me, and a pool of jello.
  • Don't sweat the petty things ... pet the sweaty things!
  • Excuse me, but are those space pants you're wearing? 'Cause your booty is out of this world.

    Christian, Medieval and Election Day Pickup Lines

  • What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?
  • Your eyes are as dark as a castle moat at midnight. Lower your drawbridge and let me cross.
  • Hey, baby, do you want to come over to my polling place?

    Lines That Might Actually Work

  • I have lots of money, you want some?
  • I'm a great cook.
  • Want me to come over to your place and do your laundry?

    Bold and Smarmy Lines

  • Hi. My name is _____. I'll be your play toy tonight.
  • If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between "F" and "CK."
  • Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Frank?

    Coy Lines

  • I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
  • Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
  • I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates me a little bit.

    More Bold and Smarmy Lines

  • If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
  • I've just received government funding for a four-hour expedition to find your G-spot.
  • Nice socks. Can I try them on after we have sex?

    Bold, Smarmy and Coy Lines

  • (Pointing at friend while he or she waves back) My friend wants to know if you think I'm cute.
  • This is your lucky day, because I just happen to be single.
  • You know, I was never good at math, but if I added you and me together, I'd get 69.

    Saucy and Sleazy Lines

  • I really like your pants. I'd like to talk you out of them.
  • I just got a new bed. Do you want to help me break it in?
  • What's a guy gotta do to get a spanking around here?

    Comebacks

    LINE: Where have you been all my life?
    RESPONSE: Hiding from you.

    LINE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
    RESPONSE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

    LINE: Is this seat empty?
    RESPONSE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

    LINE: Your place or mine?
    RESPONSE: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

    LINE: So, what do you do for a living?

    LINE: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
    RESPONSE: Do not enter.

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  • From the October 23-30, 2002 issue of Metro Santa Cruz.

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