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Heiress Head: The Hilton look is a subtle combination of sensuality and skankiness.


2004 Gift Guide
Gifts for the festive film lover
Holiday gifts for the Paris Hilton wannabe
Musical cure-alls for the difficult giftee in your life
Clutterless gifts
My big fat art books guide
Scandalous gifts for the lusty angel in your life
Expert gift recommendations for your favorite workplace prankster
Holiday happenings


One Night as Paris

Holiday gifts and tips for the Paris Hilton wannabe

By Traci Vogel

WHO WOULDN'T want to be Paris Hilton? America's favorite jet-setting towhead overcame porno-outing, hosted Saturday Night Live and has a pop CD on the way. Could Paris Hilton be the Tallulah Bankhead of our century? It's easy to imagine Paris saying, as did Tallulah, "It's the good girls who keep the diaries. The bad girls never have the time."

So, how to inject a little P. Hilton into your holidays? Let us count the ways ...

First, the obvious: Paris Hilton jewelry from Amazon.com. Especially fetching is the sterling silver and swarovski crystal star pendant on satin cord ($30). It comes in a cloth pouch, and has mega star-power: www.amazon.com.

But what to do when the Red Bull takes up one hand, the cell phone takes up the other and the adorable footsies must be reserved for kicking away paparazzi? The red leather beer holster rides to the rescue! Handmade by so-cool-it's-unpronounceable New York indie designer fortheloveofrlh, the beer holster attaches to belts up to 2.5 inches wide. Dance, slouch, grimace and cuddle small dogs with the confidence that comes from knowing that your drink is firmly attached to your side. Also available in black, from fortheloveofrlh.com for $12, or from Virgin Threads (store.virginthreads.com) for $18. (If you were really Paris Hilton, you'd pay the higher price.)

God knows Paris Hilton would never wait for anything, but sometimes we wannabes find ourselves mired in the land of long lines and mind-numbing paperwork. How to turn the wannabe's boring existence into life in gay Paris? For $25 or more an hour, The Personal Concierge will whisk away quotidian queues and errands. The Bay Area personal assistant services promise to do your shopping, book your flights, plan parties, organize closets, and schedule your tee-times and/or tea times. Owner Lisa Tunney has years of retail management and corporate event planning under her perfectly matched belt: www.thepersonalconcierge.com; 415.751.1069.

Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose, by Paris Hilton (Fireside, $22); The Tinkerbell Hilton Diaries: My Life Tailing Paris Hilton by Tinkerbell Hilton as told to D. Resin (Warner Books, $9.95). Paris' Confessions is not a tell-all—it's a how-to-be-all. In these pink-dipped pages, Paris advises the unwashed masses: "being a famous heiress is not easy." The aspiring heiress should "always act like you're wearing an invisible crown"--and a good handbag, a great pose, very high heels and unnaturally blonde hair don't hurt, either. More tips: wear pink, have multiple cell phones, never drink diet soda, and if all else fails, act bored.

To really get behind the Paris mystique, though, fans will want to dig up the Tinkerbell Hilton Diaries, told from the point of view of Paris' pampered Chihuahua. Who knew that the pup with the pinhead could make such Proustian pronouncements as, "Paris has a slack, blank, almost Zen sort of ease that's like wallpaper to read but seems like it will be pretty easy to get along with." Or that a dog could be so catty? (On seeing itself in a pink angora sweater: "I just saw my reflection in the limo window—I look like the shit that a very flamboyant shark would take after it ate Isaac Mizrahi.") At Borders Books & Music, 365 Santana Row, San Jose, 408.241.9100; or order from Willow Glen Books, 1330 Lincoln Ave., San Jose, 408.298.8141.

After Tinkerbell's well-coiffed doggerel, the Paris Hilton wannabe will want her own Canine Companion. Adopt Tinkerbell Two from the Humane Society of Silicon Valley, 2530 Lafayette St., Santa Clara; 408.727.3383; Monday-Friday 10:30am-8pm, Saturday-Sunday 10am-6pm. Last adoption appointment is taken one hour before closing.

Don't outfit Tinkerbell Two with any old dog tag: nothing else will do but a custom name bone pet necklace charm designed by jewelry genius Dorothy Bauer ($85). This 2.25-inch by 1-inch ID is made of Swarovski Austrian crystal stones set in an antique brass finish. Order at Mutt, 377 Santana Row, San Jose; 408.249.2345.

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From the November 17-23, 2004 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper.

Copyright © Metro Publishing Inc. Metroactive is affiliated with the Boulevards Network.

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