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Holidaze

'Jackass' Johnny Knoxville's hit hist for a hell-raising season

By Traci Vogel, posing as Johnny Knoxville

Statistically, the holidays are the time of the year when accident rates skyrocket. You know the drill: Your dog grabs the Christmas tree extension cord; your mom leaves the pie in too long; you cover yourself in raw steaks and set yourself on fire--these things happen. My advice is to beat the odds. Prepare yourself before your sister hits the fan. Stock up on the basics: those items you'll need to get yourself through until the relative calm of April Fool's Day, when you can literally coast a shopping cart full of five guys through the emergency room entrance and no one will think twice.

My wish list for a totally concussion-worthy Christmas:

Shopping Cart: The shopping cart is a stunt imperative. Few things are engineered to careen in the same unpredictable and therefore incredibly dangerous way as a shopping cart. I think it has something to do with the huge basket, capable of holding great weight, in conjunction with the tiny ball-bearing wheels. A lawsuit waiting to happen.

Where to get it: You can acquire one from any shopping center, but I must advise you that it's illegal to take it off the premises.

Kidde Home Fire Extinguisher: What you want in an extinguisher is one that covers the basic classes: electrical, oil, gas and flammable liquid fires. The Kidde model looks handsome, is easy to use and is rechargeable. Also, if you're bored, it's an instant dance party in a can.

Where to get it: Ace Hardware, $37.99

Pro-Tec Helmet: Pro-tec makes helmets in the bubble-head old-school style. They come in black, blue, green, red and silver. You can get one to match every prank you pull. Dual-density foam liner and sweat liners. This is your brain on style.

Where to get it: Sports Authority, $39.99

Superlite Custom Crutches: When you break it, they will make it fun. These babies are high-grade aluminum, with Dupont Zytel nylon cuffs and optional gel-filled handgrips. Color choices range the rainbow, and you can also give a nod to that extreme '80s retro style you've been trying to cop by adding a Jackson Pollock-like splash motif.

Where to get it: www.spokesnmotion.com, $1,000

Hospital Gown: When your ass is on the line, you don't necessarily want it hanging out for everyone to see, so rather than trust your ass to an ill-fitting regulation hospital gown, why not cover it up in your own? The multipurpose I.C.U. patient gown from 4medicalwear.net comes in a variety of patterns (my personal favorite: snowflake) and features a generous rear overlap.

Where to get it: www.4medicalwear.net, $17

Celebrity Plaster Cast: Since the bad-ass '70s, artist Cynthia Plaster Caster has been making plaster casts of famous boobs and schlongs, and you can buy them online. Now you, too, can get the tits of rock singer Margaret Doll Rod--for just $1,250. All profits go to benefit musicians and artists in need.

Where to get it: www.cynthiapcaster.org, casts start at $750

Diesel 'Green' Fragrance: One thing's for sure: after being in a Port-A-Potty that's been turned upside down on a dare, you stink. I'm not talking just a little stink. I'm talking industrial-strength stink. I'm talking weird- purple- thing- that- shouldn't- have- come- out- of- a- person- on- my- shoulder stink. Even after a shower, you're going to need a fragrance. My favorite is Diesel's new one, "Green." It smells like you've never been anywhere near a Port-A-Potty.

Where to get it: Diesel store near you, $44 large size (and you'll want the large size)

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For the Jerks Who Have Everything: Help! Celebrities have taken over Metro Santa Cruz's annual gift guide and they want you to know what they want for Christmas.

Girl, Indicted: Winona Ryder's guide to a cost-free Christmas.

Ben Naughty: J-Lo's wish list for a perfectly scandalous Christmas.

Victoria Beckham's Secret: Posh Spice's guide to kidnapping- and identity-theft-prevention gifts.

Nuttin' But a 'Gift' Thang: What do you get a Dogg who gave up dope? Hella stuff, fool!

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From the November 27-December 4, 2002 issue of Metro Santa Cruz.

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