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[whitespace] Posh Spice
Victoria Beckham's Secret

Posh Spice's guide to kidnapping- and identity-theft-prevention gifts

By Allie Gottlieb, posing as Posh Spice

Common people have less to worry about when it comes to one's person or property than do very popular, famous people. Obviously bonkered fans of my former band, the Spice Girls, are going to go after me--and my husband (English national team soccer captain David Beckham, who earns more than the queen)--and not some poor wanker who works at the corner petrol station.

Nevertheless, I've decided to make my superior insight public as a gesture of charity. Using what I've learned from my recent experiences--nearly getting kidnapped for a $12 million ransom and battling the Peterborough United soccer club for the exclusive right to my nickname--I recommend the following gift items for my fans who want to help somebody feel safe from crude acts this holiday season.

Personal Trademark: Quite unfortunately, you cannot copyright a name. But you can sometimes trademark one. To apply for a trademark for a friend or loved one's name, contact the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office and convince its officials that the name represents an image from which your friend or loved one derives money. The cost to register a trademark starts at $325. But your newly trademarked friend or loved one will be so grateful to have her goods protected she'll most likely repay you with lifelong admiration and indebtedness.

Where to get it: www.uspto.gov, $325

Firepower: Since Scotland Yard's recent arrest of nine conspirators who were planning a horrible attack on me, I've been thinking a lot about weaponry. I'm particularly fond of the new C-Mag 9 mm. It's available from Ultimate Weapons Systems online. It costs $289, plus about seven bucks for shipping. The thing is, it's supposed to be sold only to law enforcement and military types. The online order form doesn't require a badge number, though, so I think filling out your request for this "rugged, user-friendly high-capacity Magazine Delivery System" is worth a go, anyway. (Or else, maybe Scotland Yard could help you out, too.)

Where to get it: www.uws.com/new_products.html, $289

Bionic And/Or Spy Ear: I've learned that when you think people are plotting against you, they usually are. So, I recommend either a surgical bionic-ear implant (a cochlear implant) or the Spy Ear 007. It's a "powerful secret amplifier with microphone," according to its packaging. And it comes in purple, for maximum accessory blend-in purposes.

Where to get the implant: The California Ear Institute at Stanford in Palo Alto, http://www.ceistanford.com/html/ie/index.html; price--ask your insurance.

Where to get the Spy Ear 007: www.hhpawn.com/hhpawn/spyear.html, $4.95

'Posh Spice: In My Pocket': While holed up in the house recovering from bionic ear surgery, with a gun and a trademarked name, your friend or loved one will want something to read. I've come to like this "unofficial" tribute to me. This small, but popular book tells about some of my biggest pet peeves and includes pictures of me. I'm very interesting and hot, so anyone would enjoy this book.

Where to get it: amazon.com, $4.95

Also at Amazon: Spiceworld: The Movie by the Spice Girls (limited availability), from $9; Forever Spice by the Spice Girls, from $8; Real Life: Real Spice: The Official Story by the Spice Girls, $4

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For the Jerks Who Have Everything: Help! Celebrities have taken over Metro Santa Cruz's annual gift guide and they want you to know what they want for Christmas.

Girl, Indicted: Winona Ryder's guide to a cost-free Christmas.

Holidaze: 'Jackass' Johnny Knoxville's hit hist for a hell-raising season.

Ben Naughty: J-Lo's wish list for a perfectly scandalous Christmas.

Nuttin' But a 'Gift' Thang: What do you get a Dogg who gave up dope? Hella stuff, fool!

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From the November 27-December 4, 2002 issue of Metro Santa Cruz.

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