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Lewis Black of that fake news show co-stars in a movie about a fake college. Reviewer Jeffrey M. Anderson thinks it's a fake comedy. Buy Tickets

After the Wedding
Danish actor Mads Mikkelsen is best known for whupping James Bond in the nads with the end of a knotted rope in Casino Royale. The fact that this movie has the word "wedding" in the title means you won't see Mikkelsen sock anyone in the nads. Movies with "wedding" or "bride" in the title aren't known for their torture scenes, unless you count all those moments with Martin Short's annoying wedding planner character during the Father of the Bride movies. Buy Tickets

All the King's Men
This was the movie Sean Penn did with Jude Law that caused Penn to defend his co-star after 2005 Oscar host Chris Rock commented on Law's ubiquity. Hey Spicoli, what Rock was doing is an old human tradition that's known as joking. Buy Tickets

Amazing Grace
Hey, it's all about the origin of that song they played at Spock's funeral. Buy Tickets

American Gangster
Russell Crowe takes on mobster Denzel Washington in his own unique way. He throws a phone at him. Buy Tickets

American Hardcore
Out-of-control dance floors helped kill the '80s American hardcore punk scene. Kind of like how ballroom dancing nearly killed Dr. Dre's street cred. Buy Tickets

Luc Besson has a lot to answer for. Add this clunker to that list. Buy Tickets

The Ant Bully
The first in Warner Bros.' series of all-animal remakes of pervy Larry Clark movies. Coming soon: Ken Bark. Buy Tickets

Produced by the same Jews who ruined everything for Mel Gibson. Buy Tickets

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie For Theaters
What? We can't take our bongs to the theater? Dammit. And is ATHF even funny without the ganja? Buy Tickets

Are We Done Yet?
This is that Ice Cube remake of Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House. What's next? Cube's ex-N.W.A. bandmate MC Ren gets cast in a remake of Father Goose? Buy Tickets

Around the Bay
This Cinequest entry about a wealthy businessman and his estranged offspring was shot in the ghettos of Los Gatos. Buy Tickets

Arthur and the Invisibles
This CGI-animated feature semi-reunites Robert De Niro with his Mean Streets co-star Harvey Keitel. If you watch carefully, the reunion takes place during the scene when Maltazard calls Arthur a "mook" and Arthur beats him with a bat. Buy Tickets

The Astronaut Farmer
If the Astronaut Farmer wanted to fly to space, he could have just joined Heaven's Gate and saved a lot on rocket fuel money. Buy Tickets

Keira Knightley gets wet in a movie again. Meanwhile, Mr. Skin reads this on his laptop, yawns and wonders if Santa's gonna get him that DVD of Jackie Bisset in The Deep that he always wanted. Buy Tickets

August Rush
Freddie Highmore asks that perennial question that's been pondered by mankind since the dawn of time: "Which of you bitches are my parents?" Buy Tickets

Avenue Montaigne
Here's a fun little Metroactive drinking game: Take one drink every time you spot a letter with an accent in Richard von Busack's review of this French film. By the time you finish reading the review, you'll be as coherent as Paula Abdul. Buy Tickets

Away From Her
A love triangle complicated by, uh, madcow. Denny Crane. Buy Tickets

Makes Xena look like Steel Magnolias. Buy Tickets

Another upbeat crowdpleaser from director Alejandro González Iñárritu. Buy Tickets

The Band's Visit
Like many international police departments, the police in Alexandria, Egypt has its own orchestra. You haven't lived until you've heard them do the theme from Cops on tablas. Buy Tickets

Nickelodeon Movies' latest animated feature is a pile of cow manure. Buy Tickets

Becoming Jane
This biopic about young Jane Austen went with the most clichéd template for a movie/show title: combining a verb with a lady's first name a la Crossing Jordan, Judging Amy, Saving Grace, Raising Helen and Banging Jenna. Okay, Banging Jenna doesn't exist, but it does in our overactive, oversexed imaginations. Buy Tickets

Bee Movie
To borrow a catchphrase from an old Jerry Seinfeld guest appearance on SNL, who are the ad wizards who came up with Seinfeld's lame "Bee Movie TV Juniors" commercials that constantly interrupt our favorite Thursday night NBC sitcoms? These hacks who wrote the "TV Juniors" make Mencia look like Molière. Buy Tickets

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead
Philip Seymour Hoffman and Ethan Hawke play brothers who knock over their own parents' jewelry store. Speaking of children who make their parents proud, in a related story, Lynne Spears was subjected to yet another shot of her oldest daughter flashing her gimme gimme. Buy Tickets

Be Kind Rewind
Jack Black's magnetized brain accidentally erases all the tapes inside a video store. Hopefully, they were all videos of movies directed by Uwe Boll and Raja Gosnell. Buy Tickets

Ray Winstone is a badass (remember Sexy Beast?), but you wouldn't know it from the peevish and whiny way he shrieks his character's name in the trailer: "I am Bay-woof!" "Bay-woof"? Sounds like a canine remake of Baywatch. Buy Tickets

Black Christmas (2006)
There arose such a splatter. Buy Tickets

The Black Dahlia
The ugliest split in Hollywood history. Buy Tickets

Black Sheep
Features some of the nastiest sheep in movie history since that one that slept with Gene Wilder. Buy Tickets

Black Snake Moan
Samuel L. Jackson does another "snake" movie. But the kind of snake that this film's title is referring to has one eye instead of two. Buy Tickets

Blade Runner: The Final Cut
In this new version, Zhora shoots first. Buy Tickets

Blades of Glory
What would Brian Boitano do? He'd take choreography pointers from this movie. Buy Tickets

Blood & Chocolate
You can't call them werewolves anymore. They prefer to be called Hirsute Americans. Buy Tickets

Blood Diamond
Why does Djimon Hounsou always play oppressed or abused characters? He's like a black Meredith Baxter Birney. Buy Tickets

Test screening audiences cringed during Good Night, and Good Luck's archival footage of Joseph McCarthy and complained that he was overacting during his scenes. When the test screening audiences saw the archival footage of RFK during Bobby, they probably said, "We'd root for that Kennedy dude if he didn't sound so much like the dad on Family Guy." Buy Tickets

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
This movie is tight like man's ah-noose. Buy Tickets

The Bourne Ultimatum
Richard von Busack says James Bond can kick Jason Bourne's ass. Uh, 007 wouldn't last in a room with Bourne. And has 007 ever killed anybody with nothing more than a rolled-up magazine? Nope. Also, Bourne doesn't need a Q Branch to help him fight his battles. Bourne is the Q Branch. Buy Tickets

Boynton Beach Club
Should be called the Botox Beach Club. Buy Tickets

Brand Upon the Brain!
Narrated by Isabella Rossellini, who could narrate that drunken David Hasselhoff tape and make it look classy. Buy Tickets

Robert Hanssen, you've just been caught selling secrets to the Russians. Looks like someone needs a Bahamavention. Buy Tickets

Breaking and Entering
Electric Judealoo. Buy Tickets

The Break-Up
Vince Vaughn breaks up with Jon Favreau. The most wrenching depiction of a split between buddies since the breakup between Siskel and Ebert during that episode of The Critic. Buy Tickets

The Bridge
We wonder what the broadcast TV version of this controversial documentary will be like: "The Bridge is brought to you with limited commercial interruption by Nestea. Planning to take the Nestea plunge off the Golden Gate? Before you do, cool off with a tall glass of Nestea." Buy Tickets

The Bucket List
Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman come up with a list of dangerous things to do together before they die. The items range from skydiving to watching an Uwe Boll movie. Buy Tickets

Buffalo Boy
A Vietnamese movie about stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking buffalo herders. Buy Tickets

A psycho kidnaps and tortures Elisha Cuthbert. He locks her in a cage with that cougar from season 2 of 24. Buy Tickets

Pixar reportedly asked Speed Buggy to do a cameo, but he's fallen on hard times and was last seen living in a homeless shelter in L.A. while trying to kick an addiction to propane. Buy Tickets

Cassandra's Dream
Colin Farrell's Accent Wars: Episode IX. Buy Tickets

Casino Royale
This reboot of the 007 series looks at Bond's earlier days as a double-oh—before he got all those STDs. Buy Tickets

Charlie Bartlett
This high school flick's release date was delayed for several months. New United Artists studio head Tom Cruise must have been pressuring UA's sister studio to remove the film from the release schedule because it deals with three things he hates: psychiatry, prescription drugs and vaginas. Buy Tickets

Charlie Wilson's War
Charlie Murphy's War would be a more interesting flick. It'd be about Charlie's daily struggle with Rick James calling him "Darkness." Buy Tickets

Charlotte's Web
It's cool that the filmmakers stuck with the original sad ending: Wilbur finds Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box. Buy Tickets

Children of Men
Alfonso Cuarón's latest film imagines a future in which the human race becomes infertile. What? Does that mean no more future Wayanses? How will this world survive? Buy Tickets

"We think Click is 2006's best movie so far," says The Wave Magazine. "We think the Wave movie critics are on crack," says us. Buy Tickets

The Statue of Liberty's disembodied head in the Cloverfield trailer is that small? James Van Der Beek's fivehead is bigger than that. Buy Tickets

The Comebacks
You're probably sick of hearing your co-workers constantly quote lines from Anchorman. Well, we here at Metroactive feel your pain and... What? Champ Kind plays the football coach in this movie? That's awesome! Because he's all about having fun. You know, get a couple of cocktails in me, start a fire in someone's kitchen, maybe go to Sea World, take my pants off. Oh crap, did it again. Buy Tickets

Conversations With Other Women
Director Hans Canosa uses a split screen for the entire movie. Somewhere, Brian De Palma is creaming his pants. Buy Tickets

'D.O.A.' meets the Dew Action Sports Tour. Buy Tickets

Dan in Real Life
Hey, where did Steve Carell get those clothes? At the toilet sto... Dammit! This Anchorman quoting must stop! Buy Tickets

Darfur Now
In this documentary about Darfur activism, George Clooney and Arnold Schwarzenegger unite to protest crimes against humanity, and no, their execrable Batman & Robin movie isn't one of them. Buy Tickets

Day Watch
Your tough, chain-smoking Russian mail-order wife gives it two plastic thumbs up. Buy Tickets

The Dead Girl
A movie about Mischa Barton's acting skills. Buy Tickets

Definitely, Maybe
The inevitable ABC Family ripoff will be called Indeed, Probably. Buy Tickets

Déjà Vu
Denzel Washington experiences the title phenomenon when he realizes he's played the same noble cop character before in movies that weren't as tired as this one. Buy Tickets

The Departed
"Mrs. Crabtree, Jack Nicholson's swallowing the scenery again!" Buy Tickets

The Descent
You know what would make that awful reality show Starting Over more watchable? If the show's producers sent the shrill and whiny women off on a spelunking trip. In a monster-infested cave. Buy Tickets

The Devil Wears Prada
Meryl Streep's funniest movie since The House of the Spirits. Buy Tickets

Diary of the Dead
Those zombies are such camera whores. Buy Tickets

Dirty Country
Larry "I Think About You Every Time I S**t" Pierce writes the songs R. Kelly doesn't have the balls to record because Mr. Golden Showers has a certain image to uphold. Buy Tickets

Shia LaBeouf plays To Catch a Predator with a psychotic neighbor. The wacko has been pestering him to do another lame Even Stevens reunion movie. Buy Tickets

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
It's better than your average disease-of-the-week movie. Do the networks even make those DOTW movies anymore? Where have you gone, Meredith Baxter? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Buy Tickets

DOA: Dead or Alive
Joy from My Name Is Earl and that ninja chick from Sin City battle that creepy-looking guy who used to look like Eric Roberts until you realize, s**t, that is Eric Roberts. Buy Tickets

Down in the Valley
Edward Norton romances the much younger Evan Rachel Wood. Rated R for R. Kelly-style urges. Buy Tickets

Driving Lessons
Ron Weasley from the Harry Potter movies learns about life while working as an assistant to washed-up actress Julie Walters. It's like Harold and Maude meets Chasing Farrah. Buy Tickets

Eagle vs. Shark
Not since Ecks vs. Sever has a duel advertised in a movie title made us say, "Am I supposed to give a s***?" Buy Tickets

Employee of the Month
Jessica Simpson as a superstore cashier? Does she even know how to add? Buy Tickets

Amy Adams won a special place in our hearts when she stole a scene in Talladega Nights by crawling on a bar table and doing an impression of Tawny Kitaen from that Whitesnake video. In Enchanted, Adams' displaced fairy-tale princess looks like an impression of Tawny Kitaen 2007: unemployed, lost and confused, but without the coke habit and the "rode hard and put away wet" look. Buy Tickets

And now, opening weekend crowd predictions, brought to you by Metroactive. Dreamgirls: Beyoncé fans and gay guys. Eragon: mostly thirtysomething D&D nerds and their moms, who had to give them a ride to the theater. Buy Tickets

Evan Almighty
Makes 1941 look like an indie movie. Buy Tickets

It's this summer's must-sleep-through movie. Buy Tickets

The Ex
The last time Jason Bateman played someone not so nice was It's Your Move, which ranks with Sledge Hammer! as the greatest '80s sitcom nobody watched. Those two sitcoms scared away '80s viewers because they didn't end with a moral or a cheesy hug each week. The closest thing It's Your Move had to a moral was "Grifting is cool." Buy Tickets

The Eye (2008)
Ghosts scare the acting out of Jessica Alba. Buy Tickets

Factory Girl
Sienna Miller's 15 minutes are nearly up. Buy Tickets

Matt Dillon plays a drunkard who can't hold down a job. The guy's half Mel Gibson, half Star Jones. Buy Tickets

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
The Yes, Dear of superhero movie franchises is back. Buy Tickets

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
Better Luck Tomorrow director Justin Lin joins the franchise and brings a mostly Asian cast with him, because making these street racing movies without a predominantly Asian cast is like whenever Woody Allen does a movie set in New York and all the black people have mysteriously vanished. Buy Tickets

Fast Food Nation
Richard Linklater and Eric Schlosser expose the sordid side of the fast food industry, from the harsh treatment of illegal immigrant workers to Mayor McCheese's fondness for crack cocaine. Buy Tickets

Fay Grim
Hal Hartley, the least likely director to make a spy movie, goes ahead and makes a spy movie. Then again, that isn't really as weird as having to buy Dean Martin as a heroic spy. A drunk spy? They expect us to believe the government trusts its secrets to a dude who has trouble opening his car door? Buy Tickets

The long-shelved Project Greenlight horror movie finally drops. This thing's collected more dust than a Paris Hilton CD. Buy Tickets

Flags of Our Fathers
This is Clint Eastwood's first of two Iwo Jima movies. It's a miracle how he managed to see what he was filming during those combat scenes because the guy won't stop squinting. Clint, you keep squinting your eyes like that, they're gonna stay that way. Buy Tickets

Flushed Away
DreamWorks Animation and Aardman Animations broke up over creative differences while making this movie together. Aardman must have been the giver in the relationship, and DreamWorks must have been the taker. ("Oh Dreamy, why don't you cuddle with me anymore? That's it. I'm leaving your arse for Sony. At least Sony knows how to treat a lover.") Buy Tickets

Fool's Gold
Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson are the tannest-looking white folks since the attendees at the Black Republican Conference. Buy Tickets

49 Up
Documentarian Michael Apted checks up on the kids from Seven Up every seven years. He's like a deadbeat dad, but with a movie camera. Buy Tickets

4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days
The anti-Juno. Or as 7-Up would say, "The un-Juno." Buy Tickets

For Your Consideration
Christopher Guest and his repertory company poke fun at the Oscar season media frenzy and annoying entertainment reporters like Billy Bush, who's as much of a journalist as his cousin Dubya is a president. Buy Tickets

The Fountain
Hugh Jackman's 214th film of 2006. Jeez, this guy's lazy. Buy Tickets

John Cusack has a bad hotel room experience that doesn't involve slow room service, bed bugs or leftover semen. Buy Tickets

O.J. wishes he were this smart. Buy Tickets

Fred Claus
Fred Claus is the latest in the tradition of ne'er-do-well older brothers like Chuck Cunningham, who must have done something so unspeakable his family stopped acknowledging his existence. Chuck probably made a pass at Potsie in the Jefferson High locker room, and no, we're not talking basketball. Buy Tickets

Georgia Rule
Lindsay Lohan got spanked by the producers for her unprofessional behavior during the shooting of this movie. They should have also spanked the singing career out of her. You haven't lived until you've heard Lohan mangle "Edge of Seventeen." Buy Tickets

Ghost Rider
Nicolas Cage's latest film is about the phenomenon of dancing on top of your car while it's in neutral. Buy Tickets

The Golden Compass
So that's what that polar bear from season 1 of Lost has been up to these days. He's been taking the roles Gentle Ben had to turn down because he's been too busy with his career as a porn star for the ursine market. Buy Tickets

The Great Debaters
Denzel Washington's latest directorial effort is the Bloodsport of debate movies. The Wiley College Debate Team. Will. Break. You. Buy Tickets

Gridiron Gang
Welcome back, director Phil Joanou. We didn't miss you. Buy Tickets

A crazed driver turns the road into a bloodbath in a Quentin Tarantino-directed segment entitled Death Proof, or as it's called in real life, The Lindsay Lohan Story. Buy Tickets

A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints
Shia LaBeouf: the most out-of-place teen sitcom star in a gangster flick since Frankie Muniz showed up in Deuces Wild. What's next? Raven in Menace II Society II? Buy Tickets

It's the adaptation of the novelization of the video game spinoff of the Broadway musical version of the 1988 John Waters movie. Or something like that.
Buy Tickets

Half Nelson
We don't know what being partially related to the cheesy '80s hair band Nelson has to do with being addicted to crack, but we do know only a crackhead could have been responsible for the Nelson twins' hair. Buy Tickets

Halloween (2007)
Directed by Rob Zombie. Buy Tickets

Hannibal Rising
Starring Andy Samberg as young Hannibal Lecter. Buy Tickets

Happy Feet
If what the Republicans meant by the need for more family entertainment was a buttload of these lame CG animal movies, then we're all the more glad the Democrats pwned their asses on Super Midterm Tuesday. Buy Tickets

Hard Candy
Director David Slade turns a fairy tale into a horror-movie revenge orgy. Buy Tickets

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
We wish we could Quidditch you, Harry. Buy Tickets

Harsh Times
We wonder what sort of questions the very British Christian Bale asked the dialogue coach when she had to teach him how to speak South Central L.A. street patois ("Why do I keep calling my best friend a term paper?"). Buy Tickets

Heading South
Easily trounces Crank for most suggestive movie title of August 2006. Buy Tickets

The Heartbreak Kid
Yeah, that Spice Girls singalong gag sure was funny—five TV commercials ago. Buy Tickets

The Hills Have Eyes (2006)
Alexandre Aja's shot-in-Morocco remake of Wes Craven's jaunty little ogre story from 1977 isn't likely to be the subject of light intergenerational banter. Buy Tickets

The Hills Have Eyes II
Somebody should feed Larry the Cable Guy to these redneck mutants. Buy Tickets

The History Boys
The popular prep-school drama graduates from Broadway to the big screen. The polymaths in The History Boys would make for great newspaper fact checkers, or as the new owners of the San Jose Mercury News would prefer to call them, fired. Buy Tickets

The Hitcher
Oh God, please don't let those muthaf****s in Hollywood remake C. Thomas Howell's other 1986 movie, Soul Man. We need that like we need another Tomb Raider sequel. Buy Tickets

The Hoax
Richard Gere tricks the world into not believing his misadventures with a certain gerbil. Buy Tickets

The Holiday
Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet star in the Caligula of house-swapping movies. Buy Tickets

Hollywood Dreams
Henry Jaglom kicks it old school. And no, this has nothing to do with breakdancing with Jamie Kennedy, although the sight of Henry Jaglom doing the Worm would be something to behold. Buy Tickets

DC Comics gave the makers of this movie a hard time about using Superman's image because they think the portrayal of George Reeves' death would tarnish it. This from the same company that gave Superman an unflattering mullet back in the '90s? (Don't even get us started on that short-lived blue and white costume.) Buy Tickets

Carl Hiaasen's pro-civil disobedience children's book is co-adapted by Hiaasen and TV vet director Wil Shriner. Buy Tickets

The Host
This popular monster movie from South Korea has a deleted scene in which the mutated sea creature snacks on that Korean-bashing douchebag Rex Reed. Then the monster pukes up his remains because it can't stand the taste of washed-up movie critic. Buy Tickets

Hot Fuzz
The creators of Shaun of the Dead want you to put your hands up, spread your cheeks and lift your sack. Buy Tickets

Hot Rod
He makes Super Dave look like a lazy douche. Buy Tickets

House of Sand
It's as entertaining as watching sand slip through an hourglass. Buy Tickets

Hula Girls
Directed by Lee Sang-il. Buy Tickets

The Hunting Party
Directed by Richard Shepherd. Buy Tickets

I Am Legend
Will Smith is the last man in a world taken over by a terrifying breed of Undead Americans. Their leader is Larry King. Watch out, Will. He'll try to choke you to death with his suspenders and a song by special guest Celine Dion. Buy Tickets

Andre 3000 and Big Boi star in a southernplayalisticadillacmuzikal. Buy Tickets

The Illusionist
Edward Norton stars as a magician who comes to Jessica Biel's rescue. He makes her memories of Stealth disappear. Buy Tickets

I'm Not There
Richard Gere, Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Cate Blanchett and a child actor named Marcus Carl Franklin play different incarnations of Bob Dylan. If they get a seal to play Dylan like it's the 1967 Casino Royale all over again, this movie's f****d. Buy Tickets

In Bruges
Metroactive recommends the porno version: In Splooge. Buy Tickets

An Inconvenient Truth
"Oh, it's too hot (too hot)..." Buy Tickets

Finally—a Sandra Bullock movie that doesn't make us want to put a gun to our heads. Buy Tickets

Inland Empire
According to Metro Santa Cruz, David Lynch got a little mad at a Metro photographer while signing copies of his new book. Lynch said, "Don't look at me! Don't you f****n' look at me!" Buy Tickets

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Asian-bashing funfest of the week #1. Buy Tickets

Steve Buscemi plays a celebrity interviewer who doesn't do his research. Kinda like Joan Rivers on the red carpet, except Buscemi can actually move his face. Buy Tickets

In the Land of Women
Adam Brody's character writes porn for a living but grows tired of it. You would too if you had to keep coming up with first-rate dialogue like "Hey, did somebody order a pizza?" Buy Tickets

In the Shadow of the Moon
Directed by David Sington. Buy Tickets

In the Valley of Elah
Directed by Paul Haggis. Buy Tickets

Into the Wild
Directed by Sean Penn. Buy Tickets

Introducing the Dwights
Brenda Blethlyn plays a mom who's more obnoxious than the smell of an Oakland garbage can. Buy Tickets

The Invasion
Directed by Oliver Hirschbiegel. Buy Tickets

Disney attempts to make grown men cry Rudy-style. Buy Tickets

The Invisible
¿Quien es mas emo? ¿Justin Chatwin de The Invisible o Milo Ventimiglia de Heroes? Buy Tickets

The Italian
Which one of you Russian bitches is my mother? Buy Tickets

I Think I Love My Wife
Everybody tempts Chris. Buy Tickets

Jackass Number Two
You gotta love a movie that has "rectum" listed as a plot keyword on IMDb. Buy Tickets

The Jane Austen Book Club
Directed by Robin Swicord. Buy Tickets

The Jay and Silent Bob-athon 2006
They're all here: Clerks (1994), Mallrats (1995), Chasing Amy (1997), Dogma (1999) and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001). Buy Tickets

Jesus Camp
Screw The Hills Have Eyes. This documentary about extremist evangelical kids is the year's scariest movie. Buy Tickets

Jet Li's Fearless
Jet Li said he would retire from the martial arts genre after Fearless. Now if only someone could get Brett Ratner to retire from ruining any more movies. Buy Tickets

Jimmy Carter Man From Plains
What's up with the colon-less title? That's as annoying as the hyphen-less Eight Legged Freaks. Buy Tickets

This marks the second time someone filmed Raymond Carver's "So Much Water So Close to Home." The first time was Robert Altman's Short Cuts. Jindabyne hasn't been as well received as the Short Cuts version, but at least it doesn't have a full-frontal shot of Huey Lewis taking a piss. Hey Mr. "Hip to Be Square," leave the golden showers to R. Kelly, alright? Buy Tickets

Joe Strummer: The Future Is Unwritten
Phony Beatlemania has bitten the dust. Damn straight, Joe. Buy Tickets

Journey From the Fall
This Vietnamese film is a harrowing look at the ordeals the boat people faced as they migrated. What did you expect? The Boatniks? Buy Tickets

Joyeux Noël
Romantic French film recalls peace in war. Buy Tickets

Tomorrow People, how long will you last? Buy Tickets

Sorry, Kitty Pryde. Teen pregnancy ain't something you can phase your ass out of, hon. Buy Tickets

Keeping Mum
Dame Maggie Smith stars as a housekeeper who protects her church minister employer's family by killing anyone who stands in the way of their happiness. That family on 7th Heaven could use a housekeeper like her to make their lame show actually worth watching. Buy Tickets

Keeping Up With the Steins
According to Richard von Busack, co-star Garry Marshall gets naked. The movie should be called Keep Upchucking With the Steins. Buy Tickets

Killer of Sheep
You know African American cinema is in trouble when Soul Plane gets better treatment than this long-buried Charles Burnett cult favorite. Buy Tickets

The King
William Hurt stars in a movie about that creepy guy in the Burger King mask from the BK commercials. By the way, what the hell is that character doing selling cheeseburgers? He looks like he's about to go chase around Jamie Lee Curtis with an ax. Buy Tickets

The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters
Directed by Seth Gordon. Buy Tickets

Kinky Boots
In an unlikely coincidence, Charlie Price meets a drag queen, Lola, who complains of ill-fitting boots. Buy Tickets

The Kite Runner
Critics of the original book complained about its "Oprah's Book Club" tone. We here at Metroactive say, "That critic gets a car! And that other critic gets a car!" Buy Tickets

Knocked Up
Rejected title: When Condoms Break. Buy Tickets

Ladrón que roba a ladrón
Directed by Joe Menendez. Buy Tickets

Lady Chatterley
From his grave, Jack Valenti can be heard saying, "You won this round, artsy porn. But next time, my MPAA minions from above will have their way! Watch your back, Philip Kaufman! Nyah-ha-ha!" Buy Tickets

Lady in the Water
The much-maligned M. Night Shyamalan based his latest film on a bedtime story he told to his kids. It could have been worse, like Uwe Boll grabbing a pile of his own feces and calling it a movie. Oh wait—that was BloodRayne. Buy Tickets

Lady Vengeance
Payback's a biznotch. Buy Tickets

The Lake House
The MPAA has rated it PG for "some language and a disturbing image." A disturbing image of what? Keanu Reeves attempting to emote? Buy Tickets

Lars and the Real Girl
Directed by Craig Gillespie. Buy Tickets

The Last King of Scotland
Forest Whitaker has had one helluva year, thanks to The Shield and this Idi Amin movie. He's the only actor who emerged unscathed from the travesty that was Battlefield Earth, which killed more careers than John Wayne's The Conqueror. Buy Tickets

The Last Kiss (2006)
Rachel Bilson has her first major big-screen role and she outacts her ex-O.C. co-star Mischa Barton, who's been in movies since she was a kid. But then again, outacting Mischa Barton is as easy as the answers on Celebrity Jeopardy! Buy Tickets

The Last Mimzy
Aliens befriend a couple of kids by giving them toys. Isn't that how Michael Jackson preys on little boys? Buy Tickets

La vie en rose
It's like a lost Behind the Music special about Edith Piaf. Except it's missing that announcer guy who always says, "And then it all came crashing down." It ain't over till the announcer guy says, "And then it all came crashing down." Buy Tickets

Another one of those movies where you're left wondering which part of it is a hallucination and which part is real. Unfortunately, those lame car commercials before the feature presentation are not a hallucination. Buy Tickets

Leonard Cohen: I'm Your Man
The acclaimed Canadian singer/songwriter is the subject of a new doc. Once upon a time, Cohen's "Hallelujah" wasn't a bad song. Now thanks to repetitive airplay on prime-time drama shows, "Hallelujah" has turned into the depressed white person's "Macarena." Buy Tickets

Letters From Iwo Jima
Clint Eastwood depicts Iwo Jima from the Japanese POV in the second of two Iwo Jima movies. A third Iwo Jima movie will be produced by the people behind the Look Who's Talking movies. This time, it'll be told from the POV of babies whose thoughts are voiced by Bruce Willis ("Do tanks tank? Do rifles rifle?"). Buy Tickets

License to Wed
We always cry at wedding movies that suck. Buy Tickets

Lions for Lambs
Meryl Streep, you don't know the history of U.S. military strategy in the Middle East. Tom Cruise does. You're being glib. Buy Tickets

Little Children
Oh, those wealthy white suburbanites have it so hard. Buy Tickets

Little Man
"Baby Buggy Bunny" stretched out to 90 minutes you'll never get back. Buy Tickets

Little Miss Sunshine
The Ryan Seacrest story. Buy Tickets

Live Free or Die Hard
John McClane has been described more than once as "an analog man in a digital world." Nah, he's more like "an R man neutered by a PG-13 movie." Buy Tickets

The Lives of Others
John Ashcroft called it the feel-good movie of the year. Buy Tickets

Look Both Ways
A dying cancer patient falls for a death-obsessed artist. A match made in Robert Smith's depressing heaven. Buy Tickets

The Lookout
The title character is a man who suffers from brain damage and amnesia after a traumatic accident. You would want to also if you saw that horrifying White House Correspondents Dinner clip of Karl Rove trying to rap and dance. Buy Tickets

The Lost City
Andy Garcia's stodgy ode to pre-Castro Havana fails to convince. Buy Tickets

Love in the Time of Cholera
Watch in horror as Javier Bardem, Benjamin Bratt and John Leguizamo feel their badass gangster movie cred slipping away. Buy Tickets

Lucky Number Slevin
Paul McGuigan's new film should be rated P for the gratuitous overuse of plaid. Buy Tickets

Lucky You
Eric Bana as a poker champ? After the poor reception of Hulk and Troy, Bana would be better off playing the cooler. Buy Tickets

Lust, Caution
Directed by Ang Lee. Buy Tickets

Mad Money
That's how much the Holmes family will have to pay to deprogram Katie. Buy Tickets

Manda Bala
Errol Morris called this documentary about corruption and frog farming in Brazil "powerful," while Vomiting Kermit from Late Night with Conan O'Brien gave it two out of four oatmeal raisiny heaves. Buy Tickets

Man of the Year (2006)
In Barry Levinson's latest film, Robin Williams runs for president. Look out, Michael Waldman. Better hide those speeches you penned for Clinton. Robin Williams: Prince of Joke Thieves might steal from them. Buy Tickets

Margot at the Wedding
Nicole Kidman plays a new kind of movie monster: the WASPy intellectual who berates you to death. There ought to be a video game version in which you get to be Margot and your weapons are words like "Your fiancé's a bore!" ("20 points!") Buy Tickets

Marie Antoinette
Off with Kirsten Dunst's head. Buy Tickets

Marilyn Hotchkiss Ballroom Dancing & Charm School
Ballroom blitzed. Buy Tickets

Martian Child
Good thing John Cusack didn't adopt a Klingon child or his balls would have been sliced off by the second reel. Buy Tickets

Match Point
Rising tennis pro meets descending actress in Woody Allen's sober new melodrama. Buy Tickets

Maxed Out
This doc is about the repercussions of America's addiction to credit cards ("I tried to kick, but that Discover card just be callin' me, man! It be callin' me, man!"). Buy Tickets

Meet the Robinsons
That dinosaur in the movie complains about having a big head and little arms. Yeah, he does look a little tyrannorexic, like those other creatures with big heads and little arms, the Olsen twins. Buy Tickets

Miami Vice
Where the hell is Elvis the alligator? Did he want too much money? Buy Tickets

Michael Clayton
Directed by Tony Gilroy. Buy Tickets

A Mighty Heart
This dramatization of the search for murdered reporter Daniel Pearl buries the lead. Buy Tickets

Directed by Neten Chokling. Buy Tickets

Mission: Impossible III
Coming soon to a bachelor party near you: Emission: Impossible III. Buy Tickets

Miss Potter
Renee Zellweger is so squinty-eyed she makes Clint Eastwood look like Astro Boy. Buy Tickets

The Mist
Thomas Jane, Andre Braugher and Marcia Gay Harden star in Stephen King's tale of the invasion of an addictive lemon-lime soft drink. Buy Tickets

The Mistress of Spices
Film version of local author Chitra Bannerjee Divakaruni's novel gives food erotica a good name. Buy Tickets

He makes Billy Shakespeare look like a lazy douche. Buy Tickets

Monster House
All the characters in this motion-capture movie were designed with a large head/tiny body look. Apparently the animators were inspired by Nicole Richie. Buy Tickets

Mountain Patrol: Kekexili
Once upon a time in the East. Buy Tickets

Mr. Bean's Holiday
Directed by Steve Bendelack. Buy Tickets

Mr. Brooks
Kevin Costner tries to murder all the people who told him For Love of the Game sucked. Buy Tickets

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium
Shouldn't Natalie Portman—whose last couple of features have turned her into a torture porn queen—worry about being surrounded by bright lights and noisy holiday decorations? Don't those worsen the PTSD? Buy Tickets

Mrs. Henderson Presents
Judi Dench and Bob Hoskins star in a story of how toplessness won the war. Buy Tickets

Mrs. Palfrey at the Claremont
Joan Plowright is injected with a drug that will kill her if she stops moving, so she has to—woops. Wrong movie. Buy Tickets

Hit men track down the Olympic killers in Steven Spielberg's political thriller. Buy Tickets

Music and Lyrics
Playing a washed-up '80s pop star, Hugh Grant is the George Michael to Drew Barrymore's random 58-year-old gay dude. Buy Tickets

My Kid Could Paint That
Directed by Amir Bar-Lev. Buy Tickets

My Super Ex-Girlfriend
Here are seven words that should have been uttered during the making of My Super Ex-Girlfriend: "Brian Michael Bendis, get me rewrite! Stat!" Buy Tickets

Nacho Libre
The most hilarious white guy playing a Mexican since Charlton Heston in Touch of Evil. Buy Tickets

The Namesake
Like Ryan Reynolds in the first Harold and Kumar, Jacinda Barrett wants a piece of Kal Penn's soft chocolate lips. Buy Tickets

This documentary tries to Schindlerize the Rape of Nanking. Good thing it doesn't try to Michael Bay's Pearl Harborize it. Buy Tickets

The Nanny Diaries
Directed by Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini. Buy Tickets

National Treasure: Book of Secrets
On Homicide, the late Det. Crosetti used to obsess over the search for Abraham Lincoln's real killer, which is what this sequel's about. Screw Nicolas Cage. Get Crosetti on the case! Buy Tickets

The Nativity Story
Gold, frankincense and murk. Buy Tickets

Neil Young: Heart of Gold
Jonathan Demme films Neil Young with a mix of schmaltz and genuine magic. Buy Tickets

If Nicolas Cage's character is supposed to be able to predict the future, then why couldn't he stop his barber from giving him a ridonkulous Da Vinci Code Tom Hanks? Buy Tickets

The New World
Terrence Malick's sweeping yet sensitive epic finds new wonder in the tale of Pocahontas and Capt. Smith. Buy Tickets

Night at the Museum
Ben Stiller stars as the most shat-upon security guard since falsely accused Olympic bomber Richard "Not guilty, y'all got ta feel me" Jewell. Buy Tickets

The Night Listener
What's up with Miramax's misleading TV commercials? It's a low-key adaptation of an Armistead Maupin book, not the latest blockbuster thriller from M. Night Shyamoolah. Buy Tickets

No Country for Old Men
Apparently, Javier Bardem was under the impression that he's playing Ike Turner in What's Love Got to Do With It? Buy Tickets

No End in Sight
That's also what we thought of the long, infamous tenure of Karl "Feces Geranium" Rove. Then MC Rove surprised us when he said he's Swayze. Yikes. Will you excuse us? The visual of MC Rove allegedly dancing or trying to act black always makes us want to vomit. Buy Tickets

Not since Tammy Faye Bakker has someone been buried under so much makeup. Buy Tickets

No Reservations
The chef played by Catherine Zeta-Jones makes Giada De Laurentiis look like a lazy douchess. Buy Tickets

Notes on a Scandal
Cate Blanchett robs the cradle and Dame Judi Dench robs the movie. Buy Tickets

The Notorious Bettie Page
Gretchen Mol stars in a biopic about the legendary '50s pinup girl. Fifty years from now, will there be a biopic about Vida Guerra's butt? And who will they get to play the butt?
Buy Tickets

The Number 23
The most disturbing episode of Sesame Street ever. Buy Tickets

Ocean's Thirteen
The 13th movie in the Ocean's franchise. Damn, this series has been around for awhile. Buy Tickets

In Iran, women are banned from watching soccer matches. In America, women should be banned from watching The View. No, wait, hold up. Everyone should be banned from watching The View. Buy Tickets

Old Joy
It's like Deliverance without the anal rapes. Buy Tickets

The Omen
Liev Schreiber and Julia Stiles star as the dumbest parents since Britney and K-Fed.
Buy Tickets

The guy's worn-out guitar in this movie has seen more fingers than Paris Hilton's hoo-ha. Buy Tickets

One Last Thing ...
Symptomatic of the mix of small-camera credibility, subsitcom writing and Syd Field plot-underscoring that makes Indiewood what it is. Buy Tickets

One Missed Call
Oh, America. Of all the J-horror films you wanted to pointlessly remake, you had to go and choose one of Takeshi Miike's lesser flicks. Haunted cell phones? The concept reminds us of that old The Edge sketch in which Stephen King comes down with writer's block and has to turn to items in his kitchen for ideas ("Ooh, I know! I'll write about this possessed... toaster!"). Buy Tickets

One Night With the King
This is a religious film? The title makes it sound like a movie about Cybill Shepherd's one-night stand with Elvis, which she hasn't told enough times. Please, Cybill, continue recounting it again while we vomit in our mouths. Buy Tickets

The Orphanage
Critics are being creeped out by the kid in the sack-cloth mask. Sure, he's creepy, but he's not as creepy as Dakota Fanning and her bug eyes in I Am Sam. Those are two overacted hours and 12 even more unnecessary minutes America will never get back. Buy Tickets

Directed by John Jeffcoat. Buy Tickets

Over Her Dead Body
Beware of comedies that look like Ghost Dad. Buy Tickets

Wes Bentley, if ripoffs of ripoffs (in this case, the '80s made-for-TV Die Hard clone Trapped) are where you want to take your career from now on, you might as well grab that damn plastic bag from American Beauty and put it over your head. And while you're at it, take Captain Emo from Heroes with you as well. Buy Tickets

The Painted Veil
Diana Rigg may be too old to squeeze into a catsuit these days, but she can still steal scenes like she's Winona Ryder at a department store. Buy Tickets

Pan's Labyrinth
The evil stepfather played by Sergi López makes Terry O'Quinn in The Stepfather look like Cliff Huxtable. Buy Tickets

Paprika isn't the first shrink-turned-superhero. Prince of Tides had Barbra Streisand and her adamantium nails. Buy Tickets

Paris, je t'aime
The Coen brothers, Alfonso Cuarón and Alexander Payne are among the 18 beloved directors who filmed segments for this cinematic ode to Paris. According to the Bizarro Internet Movie Database, this film is directed by the likes of Uwe Boll, Brett Ratner and William Shatner. And it's an ode to Branson, Missouri. Buy Tickets

Proof once again that movies or shows named after SUVs or minivans (Town & Country, Star Trek: Voyager) suck royally. Buy Tickets

The Perfect Holiday
A Pimp Named Slickback co-stars in A Movie Called Hackneyed.
Buy Tickets

Perfect Stranger
We promise not to make another "Where's Balki?" joke. Buy Tickets

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer
Yep, it's made with bits of real French chicks, so you know it's good. Buy Tickets

Finally, a cel-animated feature film for adults who are able to breathe through more than just their mouths. Buy Tickets

Persuasion (2007)
We know. It's not a feature film. But we here at Metroactive will watch anything featuring the always cool Anthony Stewart Head, a.k.a. Giles. We even sat through those overly cutesy coffee ads he used to do. Yeah, we're that old. Buy Tickets

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
What the hell is Keith Richards doing in a Disney movie? Was he expecting Goofy to hook him up with some smack? Buy Tickets

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
In this sequel, Johnny Depp is haunted by a ghost. His name is Richard Grieco. ("Jooooooohnny! Remember me? Hook me up with a jooooooooob.") Buy Tickets

Upside down/Boat, you turn me/Inside out/And round and round... Buy Tickets

A Prairie Home Companion
An NPR show becomes a movie. What's next? A feature film version of Car Talk? Buy Tickets

We've got a premonition about this movie. You're going to skip it. Buy Tickets

The Prestige
Wolverine vs. Batman! Our inner geek can't contain itself. Buy Tickets

Private Fears in Public Places
Speaking of which, what's Tom Cruise's private fear? Does it have to do with the chip in Katie Holmes' head malfunctioning during an interview? Buy Tickets

The Promise
Following in the path of Ang Lee and Zhang Yimou, Chen Kaige (Farewell My Concubine) delivers this high-art kung fu epic, the most expensive film in Chinese history. Buy Tickets

The Proposition
Once again, Guy Pearce edges out Ethan Hawke in the race to see who could play the most characters in need of a bath.
Buy Tickets

The Protector
Thai martial-arts badass Tony Jaa goes apes**t when gangsters kidnap his pet elephant? If they ever do a remake of Every Which Way But Loose, Jaa should play Eastwood's part. We'd love to see how he reacts when someone kidnaps his orangutan. Buy Tickets

Aishwarya Rai goes all Burning Bed on Naveen Andrews. Buy Tickets

Puccini for Beginners
Romcom for dummies. Buy Tickets

Pulse (2006)
Kristen Bell and her friends fall victim to a computer virus that carries the undead. Haven't these fools heard of Norton Anti-Virus? Buy Tickets

The Pursuit of Happyness
Columbia should really reconsider having Dan Quayle come up with the titles for their movies. Buy Tickets

The Queen
Dame Helen Mirren received a five-minute standing ovation at the Venice Film Festival for her performance in this film. Meanwhile, Screech from Saved by the Bell received a free five-minute lapdance for his performance in the Screech sex video. Buy Tickets

The Quiet
Wherever Elisha Cuthbert goes, creepy older pervs follow. Where's Kiefer and his man-purse full of machine guns to fend them off? Buy Tickets

Jack Klugman wants to do a remake that'll be set in "da world of forensic medicine." It'll be called Quincyañera. Buy Tickets

Stallone's imaginatively titled ode to Asian-bashing is a funnier movie than Meet the Spartans. Buy Tickets

The Rape of Europa
This doc looks at the Nazis' penchant for stealing valuable art. We're waiting for the doc that looks at Carlos Mencia's penchant for stealing jokes. Buy Tickets

Live free or fry hard. Buy Tickets

The Reaping
Next up in the procession of biblical plagues: the wide release of Firehouse Dog. Buy Tickets

Brian De Palma, the director of this wartime media satire, once made John Cassavetes blow up real good in The Fury. Now if only CNN could somehow get Rick Sanchez—that anchorman who struts around like he's Lee Majors in The Fall Guy but comes off more like Super Dave Osborne—to do the same as well ("So Rick, can you show us what it's like to step in a landmine?"). Buy Tickets

Red Road
This is an Advance Party Concept film, which means the crew had to abide by a bunch of strict filmmaking rules, much like the Dogme 95 collective: 1) Keep the director away from light. 2) Don't get the director wet. And 3) Whatever you do, never ever feed the director after midnight. Buy Tickets

Reign Over Me
Adam Sandler wears a wig that's supposed to evoke Bob Dylan. He looks more like Doctor Who #3 (ask your nerd friend). Buy Tickets

Directed by Gavin Hood. Buy Tickets

Rescue Dawn
Asian-bashing funfest of the week #2. Buy Tickets

Reservation Road
Directed by Terry George. Buy Tickets

Resident Evil: Extinction
Directed by Russell Mulcahy. Buy Tickets

Resurrecting the Champ
Directed by Rod Lurie. Buy Tickets

Riding Alone for Thousands of Miles
Ken Takakura stars as an old fisherman who hopes to mend fences with his terminally ill filmmaker son by finishing the shooting of his son's documentary. The old man's attempt to figure out how to stop a VCR from blinking 12:00 takes up the whole first hour of the movie. Buy Tickets

The Road to Guantanamo
Part documentary, part drama. Kind of like The Hills if it were set at Gitmo and were much less dopier. Buy Tickets

Rocket Science
It's like that Kirk Cameron high school debate flick Listen to Me, except it doesn't suck. Buy Tickets

Rocky Balboa
The next sequel should pit Rocky against Rambo a la Freddy vs. Jason. Two times the action! Two times the mumbling! It would end up being the first Rocky flick done entirely with subtitles. Buy Tickets

Romance & Cigarettes
Aw, Dennis Potter ripoffs, you seem to have this nasty habit of surviving. Buy Tickets

Running With Scissors
Nip/Tuck creator Ryan Murphy directed this, his first feature film, while working at the same time on season 3 of Nip/Tuck. Which explains why the show was unfocused last year and we wound up with the lame Carver serial-killer storyline, which turned the show into Scooby-Doo ("Rell re rut roo ron't rike rabout rourself"). Buy Tickets

Rush Hour 3
Chris Tucker: highest paid Asian-basher ever. Buy Tickets

Russian Dolls
A soap opera-writing hack has lady troubles. Wait a minute—a male soap writer who's straight? Dudes who write for soaps are usually either gay or James Lipton. Buy Tickets

Robin Williams is savagely pusillanimous as Bob Munro, a tragic salary-man dad heading a family of three people staring at different screens. Buy Tickets

The Salon
What's with all these long-delayed movies coming out at the same time in May? The Salon? The Ex? Lucky You? The Invisible? Hey May, January called. It wants its also-ran movie releases back. Buy Tickets

The Savages
The Wire cast member appearance alert: Gbenga Akinnagbe—Chris the hitman—shows up as a male nurse. He'll be the most badass male nurse in movie history. Buy Tickets

San Francisco International Film Festival 2006
A number of films from the festival will be screened in Palo Alto. Buy Tickets

The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
The Santa Clause series apparently comes to a close. It's too bad Disney didn't consider our script idea for the final Santa Clause, in which the axe murderer Santa from Silent Night, Deadly Night pays the North Pole a visit and gives the series a proper bloody sendoff. Buy Tickets

Saw IV
Saw IV, patience 0. Buy Tickets

A Scanner Darkly
Keanu Reeves hasn't looked this animated since the last Bill & Ted movie. Buy Tickets

Scary Movie 4
Leslie Nielsen's naked ass may be the first genuinely scary moment in the history of the Scary Movie franchise. Buy Tickets

School for Scoundrels
Billy Bob Thornton tries to steal the girl of Jon Heder's dreams. Apparently, Billy Bob's been learning a few moves from his ex Angelina Jolie and her School for Homewreckers. Buy Tickets

The Science of Sleep
Check out Gael García Bernal's giant hands in the photo. Those masturbation scenes Bernal had to do in Y Tu Mamá También must have hurt like hell. Buy Tickets

A ghost tips Scarlett Johansson to clues about a serial killer. Why didn't that ghost warn Johansson about the suckitude of The Island? Buy Tickets

The Seeker
Directed by David L. Cunningham. Buy Tickets

The Sentinel
Michael Douglas, Kiefer Sutherland and Eva Longoria star in a pulse-pounding thriller about the inner workings of Santa Cruz's daily newspaper. Buy Tickets

September Dawn
Directed by Christopher Cain. Buy Tickets

It's a movie about that hot chick who played Susan Profitt on Wiseguy. Buy Tickets

She's the Man
Amanda Bynesified version of Twelfth Night. Buy Tickets

Starring Dick Cheney. Buy Tickets

The orgy you're about to see is true. The fluids have actually been exchanged to perturb the innocent. Buy Tickets

Shrek the Third
America's favorite ogre who's not Dick Cheney is back. Buy Tickets

Shut Up & Sing
This doc looks back at the country music community's feud with the Dixie Chicks. The Chicks responded to the haters by posing nude on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. Good thing that cover didn't inspire other recording artists to doff their clothes during heated feuds with their rivals. Because Jay-Z dropping his pants as an olive branch to Nas wouldn't have been as nice to look at. Buy Tickets

Shut Yer Dirty Little Mouth!
New adaptation chronicles the alcohol-fueled battles of two SFers. Buy Tickets

Now playing at a co-worker's computer near you. Buy Tickets

The Signal
This horror flick is about strange broadcasts that drive viewers insane. Yeah, too many VH1 marathons of I Love New York and Flavor of Love will do that to you. Oh and by the way, VH1, you're really helping your Black History Month promo campaign by continuing to produce modern-day minstrel shows like I Glove New York and Flavor of Lube. Buy Tickets

Directed by Francois Girard. Buy Tickets

Sir! No Sir!
An intelligent and well-researched look at the resistance to the Vietnam War within the Armed Forces. Buy Tickets

The Simpsons Movie
Best movie based on something Matt Groening drew to pay off his gambling debts ever. Buy Tickets

Sisters in Law
A hard-hitting doc about the court system in a Cameroon village. Buy Tickets

The Situation
Great. Now the war in Iraq gets its own lame love-triangley chick flick. The audience will want to press for a withdrawal plan from this movie. Buy Tickets

16 Blocks
Bruce Willis plays a corroded drunk of an NYPD detective. Buy Tickets

Sketches of Frank Gehry
Affectionate but not at all self-indulgent profile of the famed architect. Buy Tickets

Directed by Kenneth Branagh. Buy Tickets

A cult film is born. Buy Tickets

Smokin' Aces
Rug it out, bitch. Buy Tickets

Snakes on a Plane
The eagerly awaited horror flick that pits Samuel L. Jackson against a plane full of William Morris agents. Buy Tickets

"Ooh, she's a little runaway..." Buy Tickets

Southland Tales
This movie's been on the shelf longer than a Hudson Hawk action figure. Buy Tickets

Spider-Man 3
Once, twice, three times a Spidey. Buy Tickets

Sputnik Mania
Step up 2 the Soviets. Buy Tickets

Matthew Vaughn ditched X-Men: The Last Stand to direct this Neil Gaiman adaptation, which isn't surprising because not even Antonioni or Bergman could have saved X-Men: The Last Stand. Buy Tickets

Starting Out in the Evening
An already disturbing May-December romance between Frank Langella and Lauren Ambrose gets even more disturbing when Ambrose smears honey all over Langella's face. It's like the worst Ohio Players album cover ever. Buy Tickets

Strangers With Candy
The always amusing Amy Sedaris returns as Jerri Blank, the oldest high school student since Luke Perry. Buy Tickets

Stranger Than Fiction
Will Ferrell does his first-ever comedy drama. Meanwhile, behind the counter at a Tommy's in Van Nuys, Chris Kattan does his first-ever "Would you like fries with that?" Buy Tickets

Summer Storm
Conclusive proof that teens have an easier time in Germany. Buy Tickets

You gotta love that this sci-fi flick pitting man against a deadly sun is directed by Danny Boyle. Buy Tickets

Bob Crane of Hogan's Heroes stars as a suburban breadwinner who wants to be more... Oh wait, that's Superdad. Buy Tickets

Superman Returns
It's like that whole mess with Richard Pryor never happened. Buy Tickets

Surf's Up
The best CGI surfing movie since Kate Bosworth's head was pasted onto a professional surfer's body in Blue Crush. Buy Tickets

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
It's our favorite demon barber who's not the guy who gave Tom Hanks that lovely Da Vinci Code do. Buy Tickets

Talk to Me
Don Cheadle stars as controversial '60s deejay Petey Greene. Word on the street is Cheadle's performance is nothing like the time Robin Williams was supposed to play controversial '60s deejay Adrian Cronauer, and instead he played Robin Williams. Buy Tickets

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
Has all the wackiness of a Mel Gibson DUI arrest. Except there's not as much Jew-bashing. Buy Tickets

Taxi to the Dark Side
The MPAA approved the violent Saw and Hostel Part II posters but lost their s*** over TttDS's poster of a hooded prisoner being escorted away by U.S. soldiers. They actually found the TttDS poster to be more unsuitable for children than shots of severed heads and limbs. Thanks, MPAA, you're doing a heckuva job. Buy Tickets

Rejected tagline: "Be careful where you put your junk." Buy Tickets

The Ten
David Wain makes God look like a lazy douche. Buy Tickets

Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny
It's like KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park, except it doesn't suck. Buy Tickets

Thank You for Smoking
Aaron Eckhart shills for big tobacco in sharp satire. Buy Tickets

There Will Be Blood
Paul Thomas Anderson's newest film comes out in San Jose at the same time as the latest masterpiece from filmmaker/pugilist/D-bag Uwe Boll. In a boxing match that can be seen only in our dreams, PTA climbs into Boll's boxing ring wearing Heather Graham's Boogie Nights rollerskates and proceeds to do his best angry Rollergirl impression on Boll's ass. Buy Tickets

Things We Lost in the Fire
Directed by Susanne Bier. Buy Tickets

30 Days of Night
Directed by David Slade. Buy Tickets

This Film Is Not Yet Rated
A documentary that spends 97 fun-filled minutes with the MP Double A-holes. Buy Tickets

This Is England
Or: When Thatcher Caused Her Own Country to Jump the Shark. Buy Tickets

The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada
Tommy Lee Jones' latest film is more than just a Tex-Mex version of Weekend at Bernie's. Buy Tickets

What's up with those ridiculous little outfits the 300 Spartans had to wear to the Battle of Thermopylae? Did Donaldus Rumsfeldus reassure them by saying, "You go to war with the cape and leather thong you have, not the cape and leather thong you might want or wish to have"? Buy Tickets

3:10 to Yuma
Directed by James Mangold. Buy Tickets

Three Times
Taiwanese art-house favorite Hou Hsiao-hsien follows three different couples, each in a different time period. In America, we call that an episode of Blind Date. Buy Tickets

Directed by Marco Kreuzpaintner. Buy Tickets

This on-again, off-again road-trip dramedy succeeds mostly because of the vigorous and funny acting by Felicity Huffman. Buy Tickets

The '80s franchise that allowed Orson Welles to conclude his career with dignity by casting him as a planet-eating lard-ass is back. Buy Tickets

Tristram Shandy: A Cock & Bull Story
Michael Winterbottom wrestles Laurence Sterne's unfilmable novel to a cinematic draw. Buy Tickets

Trust the Man
David Duchovny and Julianne Moore reunite to recapture the box-office poison of Evolution. Buy Tickets

Miramax has announced plans for a sequel to Tsotsi (pronounced "sot-si") in which the thug-turned-babysitter becomes romantically involved with Joanie "Chyna" Laurer from The Surreal Life. It'll be called Joanie Loves Tsotsi. Buy Tickets

Josh Duhamel runs afoul of organ harvesters. Maybe they could provide Duhamel's girlfriend Fergie with a new bladder. Buy Tickets

28 Weeks Later
Someone should feed CNN's annoying British correspondent Richard Quest to these zombies. Buy Tickets

27 Dresses
James Marsden's long streak of playing c**kblockers (the X-Men movies, Superman Returns, Enchanted) comes to an end. Buy Tickets

2 Days in Paris
Directed by Julie Delpy. Buy Tickets

United 93
A modern-day Battleship Potemkin. Buy Tickets

An Unreasonable Man
Wanna make a Democrat's eye twitch? Just say the words "Ralph Nader." Buy Tickets

Diane Lane stars in yet another cyberspace thriller that immediately dates itself, like Virtuosity, which now looks more dated than that 1984 Tom Selleck masterpiece Runaway. Buy Tickets

The U.S. vs. John Lennon
Coming soon from the makers of The U.S. vs. John Lennon: The U.S. vs. Ron Nasty, a look back at the activism of former Rutle Ron Nasty ("We're getting wet. In a shower..."). Buy Tickets

A look inside the mind of Jessica Simpson. Buy Tickets

The Valet
Soon to be lamely remade by an American hack. Buy Tickets

Valley of the Heart's Delight
In the criminal justice system in 1933 San Jose, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police who investigate crime and the lynch mob that executes the offenders. This is their story. Lynch-lynch. Buy Tickets

Vantage Point
Richard von Busack's review was written from eight points of view. Buy Tickets

V for Vendetta
All's well that's Orwell in dystopian vigilante film. Buy Tickets

Except for that lifetime achievement trophy, Peter O'Toole never won an Oscar? WTF? Maybe O'Toole should break into Helen Hunt's house and steal hers. Like she still needs her trophy. The Oscar never really helped her career. She's Haing S. Ngor with t**s. Buy Tickets

Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show
An IMDb message board poster asks, "Can someone tell me how bad the language [in this movie] is?" Well, it's a documentary that follows stand-up comics on the road, and they're known for their prudishness, so there's quite a few "poopies" and plenty of "forget yous." Buy Tickets

A six-year-old piano prodigy gets no love. Not even from the ladies. They'd rather get cooties from Zack and Cody. Buy Tickets

The title is Spanish for "to drive a boxy Swedish car." Buy Tickets

Richard von Busack says don't leave a tip. Buy Tickets

The Walker
The older Woody Harrelson gets, the more he starts to look like he did during that Cheers episode when Woody dressed up as Mark Twain. Buy Tickets

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
Loaded with more bad penis puns than a Paul Lynde guest appearance. Buy Tickets

War Dance
This documentary looks at troubled Ugandan kids who have discovered the power of dance. It's like Footloose, but with music that doesn't suck. Buy Tickets

The War Tapes
Find out what happens when the soldiers in Iraq stop sounding exactly like the Central Command press officer and start getting real. Buy Tickets

Writer/director Deepa Mehta evokes the fate of widows in pre-Gandhi India—and today. Buy Tickets

We Are Marshall
Starring Matthew "Who's up for naked bongo drumming?" McConaughey and Matthew "Who's up for skinny-dipping?" Fox. Buy Tickets

Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins
Hey Roscoe, Herb Tarlek from WKRP called. He wants his pants back. Buy Tickets

We Own the Night
Directed by James Gray. Buy Tickets

What Would Jesus Buy?
The Christian Broadcasting Network. So that He could take it over like Ted Nugent wanted to do with Muzak and tell Pat Robertson to shut up. Buy Tickets

White Rainbow
Priya, the well-born daughter of an Indian cabinet minister, has an abrupt change in status after she receives "The Phone Call That Every Wife Dreads." Buy Tickets

Who Killed the Electric Car?
The repeal of the Zero Emission Vehicle Mandate makes the Begley Jr. cry. Buy Tickets

Why Did I Get Married?
30 Rock needs to make fun of these Tyler Perry movies right away. Maybe the writers should have Tracy Jordan star in Tyler Perry's Honky Grandma Be Speechifyin'. Buy Tickets

Why We Fight
Eugene Jarecki's documentary explores more than 50 years of defense spending and manipulation of public opinion. Buy Tickets

The Wicker Man
What? No naked chick shaking her rump a la Britt Ekland's body double in the original version? No wonder Warner Bros. dumped this remake on Labor Day Weekend. Buy Tickets

The Wind That Shakes the Barley
Is the wind that rules the world?
Buy Tickets

What's an eight-letter word for "sometimes dozeworthy"? Buy Tickets

World Trade Center
Oliver Stone's latest is an apolitical departure from his previous work—he doesn't blame 9/11 on the second gunman on the grassy knoll. Buy Tickets

The World's Fastest Indian
Anthony Hopkins plays real-life motorcycle racer Burt Munro, a past-60 codger from Invercargill, New Zealand. Buy Tickets

Wristcutters: A Love Story
This comedy about a purgatory inhabited by people who committed suicide imagines an afterlife that's somehow even more boring than much of your time on earth. Must be because of Clear Channel. That corporation's so evil and all-powerful it even monopolizes radio in other planes of existence. Buy Tickets

Year of the Dog
The title makes it sound like a documentary about Randy Jackson, which would be more watchable than From Justin to Kelly. Then again, anything's more watchable than From Justin to Kelly. Buy Tickets

You Kill Me
A bald boozehound is forced to sober up. Wow. Judging from the movie's photos, Britney has really let herself go. Buy Tickets

You, Me and Dupree
Owen Wilson in The Kato Kaelin Story. Buy Tickets

Youth Without Youth
Tim Roth ages backwards after getting struck by lightning. Maybe more Hollywood celebs ought to try standing under lightning if they want to preserve their youth or in the case of Carrot Top, look more like a Gansevoort Street tranny hooker. Buy Tickets

Decades before San Francisco was terrorized by one of Jan Wahl's giant hats, there was the Zodiac killer. Buy Tickets

Movie Finder

Silicon Valley | Santa Cruz | Sonoma / Marin / Napa

New and upcoming film releases.

Sometimes, the week's best entertainment doesn't play at a multiplex near you.

A blog about movies and TV shows for the discerning, snarky viewer.

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